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April 05, 2016
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We’ve found a way for people who don't care about sports to have fun this baseball season: Fantasy Fantasy Baseball.

The Major League Baseball season started this week, which for many of us means The Being-Left-Out-Of-Conversations season also started this week. But fear not non-baseball fans who somehow find themselves friends with a lot of baseball-fans! We’ve found a way for you to have fun this spring: Fantasy Fantasy Baseball. The game where you earn points for every annoying baseball conversation you’re forced to sit through.


The Draft

Your team will consist of your baseball-fan friends. Try and to choose a wide variety of baseball-fan friends. The talkative one, the quiet statistics obsessed one, the one who never got acceptance from his father and tries to bond with him over baseball, the one you have a crush on and would pretend to be into baseball for. Different types of baseball fans on your team will lead to more points.

Game Play

Games consist of social interactions that are hijacked by baseball-talk. Games can pop up at any moment, and vary in length. Be it a night at the bar, lunch with coworkers, or even an interaction with a cashier at the grocery store. If baseball enters the conversation, you’re in a game of Fantasy Fantasy Baseball.

Scoring

Just as Fantasy Baseball players score points based on their drafted teams statistics, Fantasy Fantasy Baseball players do as well. Below you’ll find the names and descriptions of the plays you can earn points for in Fantasy Fantasy Baseball. Simply mark down a point every time your player does any of the following.

HR( Hubris Rule)
Your player hasn’t exercised in 4 years, yet says a professional athlete sucks.

LOB (Long & Boring)
Your players talk about baseball for over an hour straightPoints count as double if you are in a car with these people when this happened because it’s the least we can do to make up for your suffering.

R (Really Good Day)
Your player says they had “a really good day,” and follow up questions reveal he is saying that solely because of fantasy baseball.

2B (Double Bad)
There is more than one game on at the bar so even when one game ends you don’t get your friends back.

IBB (Insensitive Baseball Bias)
Player defends one of the Native American team names.

H (Hypocrite)
Player you’ve seen put peanut butter on tortilla chips says a professional baseball coach made a bad decision.

SF (Social Media Fibs)
Player posts online about doing well at baseball and leaves off the fact that it’s fantasy baseball as if they’re trying to trick their high school friends into thinking they play sports.

IR (Ignoring)
Player you are talking to checks baseball stats on their phone and you have to repeat yourself.

BF (Baseball not Football)
Player mentions a team name that you, for your entire life up until this moment, thought was a football team.

LOB (Love Of Baseball)
Your player and boyfriend who has never said he loves you says he loves at least 3 different baseball players over the course of an evening.An additional point for each player exceeding 3 for whom he professes his love.

L (Lose it)
You lose it and just blurt out “I fucking hate baseball” at the one moment when nobody was talking about baseball. Everybody acts like you’re weird and mean.

TC (Trophy not for Child)
Your players have a trophy for Fantasy Baseball and nobody brings up how that is a replacement for childhood athletic failures.

CS (Clothing Sabotage)
You accidentally wear a baseball team’s colors and your players trash talk that team as if you would care.

IP (Ignoring problems)
You choke and nobody helps you or even notices because they are watching baseball.

Prizes

From shots, to ice cream sundaes, to trips to Mexico, prizes are a huge part of Fantasy Fantasy Baseball. In addition to one giant prize at the end of the season for the overall point leader, prizes should be distributed after every game. Fantasy Fantasy Baseball is about making people have fun when they otherwise wouldn’t. And what’s a better way to do that than with food and drinks and trips?

If you’re the only one playing, do not hesitate to buy something for yourself. It’s often better that way because you know what you want!

Also, feel free buy yourself a trophy. Nobody’s taking your statistics.

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