President Elect Barack Obama isn't taking any chances with new members of his staff, administering a 63-question application to prospective hires. Funny or Die got ahold of the questionnaire and has reprinted it below for your perusal:
1) What makes you think you're so cool?
2) Are you hypoallergenic? Because Malia is allergic. Would you be willing to shave your head for Malia's sake?
3) Do you know William Ayers?
4) List the URLs to any websites where you can be seen eating poop or having your poop eaten out of a cup.
5) Which of these living heroes do you most admire? Nelson Mandela, Bono, or Louis Farrakhan?
6) Seriously, do you know William Ayers? Because that would be a deal breaker.
7) Before, when I asked if you knew William Ayers, were you lying because you knew it would be a deal breaker?
8) Do you have to face any particular direction when you pray?
9) True or false: Peace be upon the prophet Muhammad?
10) Do you know how to post a video onto other people's Facebook walls?
11) If you answered "yes" to question 10, do you post videos sparingly or do you do it every day like a freaking lunatic?
12) You wouldn't happen to have a workable exit strategy for getting out of Iraq, would you? (Please describe in detail)
13) What would you nickname Joe Biden's haircut? a) Semi-mullet, b) Mullet Jr, c) The Silver Mullet Bullet Train?
14) Not to harp on this William Ayers thing, but seriously, do you know him?
15) Have you ever gotten really drunk and started a prolonged and unpopular war?
16) When you play Guitar Hero with friends, are you always choosing a level a difficulty beyond your capabilities and causing everyone else to fail?
17) Finish the following sentence: Africa is: a) a continent, b) a country, c) the place where they filmed that documentary "The Lion King."
18) Have you ever hired an illegal worker to do landscape work?
19) Have you ever hired an illegal "worker" to do "landscape" work?
20) The following statement best describes my thoughts about The View's Elisabeth Hasselbeck: a) I don't agree with her opinions, but admire her passion. b) Bitch be karazzy.
21) Finish the following sentence: The last time I paid my taxes was: a) last April, b) during the last episode of "Family Ties".
22) Describe your stance on human cloning. If you are a clone, make a case for sparing the pathetic naturally-birthed human race from extinction.
23) Have you ever had an erotic homosexual encounter in an airport bathroom stall? If so, describe it in detail. Describe the musky scent of your lover's undercarriage. What did it feel like being pinned down on the cold floor of that bathroom stall, his hairy chest rubbing against your naked back?
24) Israel or Palestine? Come on, choose one.
25) Did you make it through all of the HBO miniseries John Adams? If so, how did it end?
26) Do you regularly search the bios of foreign dignitaries on Wikipedia while you're talking to them on the phone?
Rate your following Netflix returns:
27) You Don't Mess With the Zohan
28) Baby Mama
29) The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
30) Cheech&Chong's The Corsican Brothers
31) Made of Honor
32) Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie
33) The Incredible Hulk
34) Have you ever danced with Ellen DeGeneres on television?
35) Have you ever danced with Ellen DeGeneres in private?
36) A family of four is having a picnic on the railroad tracks as a high speed train approaches. You control a lever which can derail the train, killing hundreds of passengers, but saving the family. Or you can allow the train to plow into the family, saving the passengers. You can only choose one. The question is: do you know William Ayers?
37) Have you ever done illegal narcotics on the job?
38) Really not even just a little toke during lunch?
39) What about waking and baking then? Surely, you must have gone into work high at least once in your life.
40) Describe any "Entourage" characters that are based on you or members of your family.
41) To prove that you are not a Muslim, would you be willing to eat an entire pig all day, every day during Ramadan.
42) Has your "Second Life" avatar done anything that might be a cause for embarrassment in this administration?
43) Did you successfully perform the secret Obama clan ritual by attacking a John McCain supporter and carving a "B" in her cheek?
44) Would you be willing to offer the President some private bowling tips?
45) Have you ever done anything that anyone didn't like? (If so, please describe in detail.)
46) Have you ever had a three-way? If so, what was it like? I heard that those usually go badly because one of the girls always ends up feeling neglected. Anyway, how did it go for you?
47) Who actually buys those Archie comics anthologies they sell at the checkout stand in the grocery store? I mean, seriously.
48) The White Stripes: siblings, lovers, or both?
49) What the fuck does "Quantum of Solace" mean?
50) If the President accidentally made a huge mistake due to his relative lack of political experience, would you be willing to take the heat and resign?
51) If the economy worsens, are you willing to conduct meetings with the President over a garbage can fire?
52) List 100 close friends you have named either WIlliam or Bill. Please list alphabetically by last name.
53) Hey, is it ok if we don't pay you a lot? I mean, the street cred you're getting out of this is worth a lot, right?
54) Have you seen that show "Life on Mars" yet? Is it any good? Should I check it out or what?
55) Are you good with computers? We have an IT guy, but he's kind of a dick and it's just easier to ask someone in the office who's cool.
56) When you and William Ayers were in the Weather Underground, those must've been some pretty heady times, right?
57) #56 was a trick question. But, seriously, what was it like hanging out with Bill Ayers?
58) Should a cumquat be hard or soft on the outside? (Question for Secretary of Agriculture only)
59) The President is surrounding himself with only the nation's best and brightest public servants. If you are brought onto President Obama's staff, you will be part of a historic administration. Your conduct will be representative of President Obama. On that note, have you ever shit the bed?
60) List all exclusive clubs and organizations to which you belong (e.g. Ralph's Club, Costco membership, etc.)
61) Describe how you have overcome the personal and professional challenges that come with being half man/half dog.
62) Are you allergic to giggles? Does laughter put you in a bad mood? In other words, who's ready to have some FUN?
63) Would you be willing to share a cubicle with the President for the first month?