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June 17, 2016

Your source for the propagation of botanical rumors.

SOILED! Getting the dirt on plants.
Your source for the propagation of botanical rumors.


English Ivy’s Married To A Dead Beet!!!

The tuberous root vegetable's out of control partying has Ivy’s family concerned. Is divorce in the vines for these two? Time for Beet to grow up.

Bouquet Bravely Shows Up In Vase Without Baby’s Breath

Friends of the flowers are in shock while foes are busy throwing shade. Add white hydrangeas to the mix and it’s a recipe for disaster.


Pepper Plant Pregnant… With Seeds!

An unplanned pregnancy squashes rumors of pepper’s gay lover … or does it? Only time — and quotes from family, friends, and very casual acquaintances of the pepper plant — will tell.

Aging Air Plant Needs To Dye Its Roots

An anonymous friend of the air plant says that this variety of plant obtains all its nutrients through its foliage, meaning roots aren’t even necessary except for attaching to rocks/shrubs/the ground, so frankly it’s messed up for the roots to look so disheveled if you ask us!!


SPECIAL REPORT: Are The Two Ferns Growing Apart?

Fern 1 says “We need space to survive,” while Fern 2 says they just need some time in the sun. Who’s right?

Groundcover Takes Over The Community Garden Plot, Pushes Out Existing Plants

Gentrification is real and F***ED UP!, sources say.

Water Hits Pot Bottom

Water sinks to new lows after attending a party at the Succulents mansion then leaving without speaking a word. Could this friendship be on the rocks?


Sun Perennials Are Back After Rehab (Rehab = Winter)

Daylilies re-emerge after a sex and drug scandal last August and a stay in a below-soil, resort-style inpatient facility all winter. “This summer will be better,” they say. Same thing they said last year!

Pencil Cactus Reportedly Dating Katy Perry

Perry caught cheating? Orlando Bloom humiliated and furious, feeling “like a million needles prickling in his skin” a friend close to the source says.

Want to see what the stars are gossiping about? Check out This Month’s Horoscopes For Plants.

Illustrations by Alabaster Pizzo