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Published August 30, 2008

 


First off no, Missionary Position is not an overseas job in Berrona helping children fight Aids through dianetics. I'm talking about sex. You know that thing you wish you had more of but when you get it you wish it were better, and then when its better you want more, but usually what made it that enjoyable was, to say the least, deviant and exposed you so much that you can't ever look that person in the eyes again. Maybe thats just me, but I had to change my optometrists after what she showed me through that phoropter. "Oh yes that is much better, but show me that last one one more time... ooooh, and now back... Wowzer!"

What does this have to do with The Dark Knight, ones query might be. The Dark Knight is a movie and Sex is a lot like a movie. How is sex like a movie? Sure sex doesn't last as long as a movie. Heck, it's usually not as long as the movie's trailer, maybe not even past that green preview title screen at the beginning. Movies don't leave you sweaty and dirty. You usually don't have to clean up after a movie, but someone does have to pick up all those snow caps you dropped while everyone else was boo hoo'ing at the emotional climax. And obviously no one has ever been impregnated by a movie, or had to practice diantetics with over seas missionaries to cure something they picked up from a movie.

The answer is this.

We all want to watch more movies, but when we get to we wish they were better, and when they are better we want more, but sequels and remakes never live up to the original. Sure there are exceptions. Like that teacher you hooked up with in college repeatedly, but you look back now and realize they weren't that smart or good. It was only about the excitement and hype. Star Wars anybody?

So that's why sex but why specifically Missionary, why not Doggy style or Reverse Triple Salchow-girl? Missionary is whats expected. Its what our parents did, or said they did if they spoke of it at all. It's what their parents did, especially as they got older because whose got the back for Lotus when your 90, and its what dogs would do if they could, or so a minister said to the congregation one spirited Sunday morn.

The Dark Knight is to movies as Missionary is to sex. They both are enjoyable enough but have the components for greatness; Two great characters in costume, two horny people, naked. Missionary is lack luster and routine. Yeah you can add in a pillow or two, raise a leg or something, but then the covers you're under start falling off exposing your bare ass to the black as night room. Thats no good. The Dark Knight had a great set up and good story but every time anything interesting happened its followed up with two characters discussing the theme of said event taking away any kind of intrigue. There's no discovery, we are all told. Movie makers are too afraid of people not getting it. Afraid of not being routine enough. Its very similar to the shocker, everyones afraid of it, but you just have to do it to see if it works... and trust me, it always works.   

I want a movie to give me the shocker, or better yet a variant of the shocker I haven't seen and don't see coming. Sure feel free to use characters and situations I understand and are routine but take me on a journey with that 11 bucks I spent so I can get mine in the end. Thats how to get people in the theatre not digital 3d bullshit. If I want the third dimension I'll go see a play, they do it better.


But I'm no movie critic I'm just a

Random White Guy


P.S. Thanks for making it all the way down here.

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