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January 14, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

At the Golden Globes on Sunday night, Ben Affleck won Best Director for “Argo.” In more important news, Matt Damon bought a pair of headphones for his nephew. Good headphones.

Meanwhile, Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Abraham Lincoln. Daniel Day-Lewis was so dedicated to the role, he kept his back to the stage in anticipation of any surprises.

While accepting a lifetime achievement award, actress Jodie Foster proclaimed, "Jodie Foster was here. I still am. I want to be seen." Adding, "As a crazy person."

On Sunday, GM unveiled the 2014 Chevrolet Corvette Stingray. The car is aimed toward female drivers and looks to be getting pretty popular already.

Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak was awarded a retrial for his role in the deaths of Egyptian protesters. In response, Egyptians' heads literally started exploding.

The Atlanta Falcons defeated the Seattle Seahawks 30-28 with just seconds on the clock. Finally proving that actual names for birds are always better than nicknames for birds.

Colin Powell endorsed Chuck Hagel as President Obama’s choice for defense secretary. Powell also endorsed Obama's choice for new car (a Lexus), white or whole wheat bread (whole wheat), and name for a theoretical roller coaster (the Razor Tower).

France raised its domestic terror threat level. Which just means America and England will have to take extra care of it.

Over the weekend, another woman was reportedly raped on a bus in India. "Why me?" asked someone who couldn't see the 7:20 showing of "Gangster Squad" because it was sold out.

A book claims Scientology's ultimate goal is stopping aliens from living in our bodies. Scientologists are upset of course because they say the book came out over 60 years ago.

Beijing's level of air pollution hit 755 on Saturday night, compared with New York City which had a level of 19. Which explains Chinese meteorologists' forecasts of mostly cloudy with an 90 percent chance of rampant death.