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June 23, 2008


* BEIJING — A Chinese policewoman has been given a promotion for breastfeeding orphans during last month's earthquake.  

Sources close to my breasts say, "I wonder what we can get for powdered milk from these dried up, old fun bags."

* CANBERRA — A six-foot python was found in a toilet at a high-rise apartment in Australia's city of Darwin Friday.

Sources close to the Tidy Bowl Man say, "Big deal! The last tenant left a frickin' anaconda in here and I didn't see any reporters come sniffing around then."

* CULVER CITY — Macrida Patterson, 52, of Los Angeles, is suing Victoria's Secret, claiming she was injured by one of the company's defective thongs. While trying the thong on, a decorative metallic piece flew off and allegedly, struck her in the eye.

Sources close to Patterson's eye say, "It's all fun and games 'til someone loses an eye."

Sources close to the thong say, "Now Victoria's Secret is out. No one age 52 should ever attempt to wear anything by this company and not expect bodily harm to come to them."

Sources close to the  decorative metallic piece say, "Take THAT Red Rider BB gun! We are the NEWER sexier eye hazard!"

* Due to a popular YouTube video, millions of people were led to believe that the radiation output from cell phones create enough power to pop popcorn.

Forgetting that their brain is being spared hardcore radiation waves, disappointed popcorn loving, cell phone users who fell for the hoax, protested in the streets at several Sprint and Verizon dealerships across the nation.

One phone salesman said, "I wish they would protest elsewhere. I mean, I feel for them. I really do. I'd give my iTeeth if my iPod could cook me up some Pizza Rolls right now. I'm frickin' starving. But that just ain't gonna happen."

Due to the excitement of the hoax, a new phone is expected out just in time for Father's Day. The Orville RedenTalker, comes complete with Bluetooth technology, a bag of kernels, a bow tie, and a nice pair of horn-rimmed glasses.