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July 19, 2008


* GARDINER — Scott Listemann a New York skydiver, is hoping someone will find his lost leg. During a June 14th jump, his prosthetic leg came off. He had posters printed and distributed, asking anyone who finds his leg to call him. He suspects it landed in a wooded area, to be with its own kind.

Sources close to his right leg say, "It's really tough for him. I mean, he used to be a jumper and now, he's simply a hopper. He's damn lucky I'm here, otherwise he wouldn't have a leg to stand on."

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Listemann's prosthetic leg, call 845-452-4743 or 845-255-9538. If you find any other random body parts, please call 911.

* JACKSON — The Mississippi Blood Services is giving free gas to those who donate blood.

Sources close to blood sucking oil executives say, "Prices are going to continue to rise. I would suggest drivers, bite the bullet and fill up before next week, when The Center for Limb Services announces their discount offers."

* GORHAM — An 8-foot-long snake was found by an unsuspecting woman, while doing her laundry.

Sources close to the woman say, "It was a shock, but once the initial fear passed, thanks to Samuel L. Jackson, she found the strength within. She just yelled, 'Get this mutha fuckin' snake out my mutha fuckin' washer,' amazingly enough, it worked."

* ATLANTA — According to a new government survey, more than 30 percent of adults in Mississippi, Alabama and Tennessee are considered obese. Colorado was listed as the least obese of all the states.

Sources close to southerners say, "We'd weigh next to nothing too if we lived up in the mountains like they do. You know that high altitude is equivalent to walking in outer space. Please pass the gravy."

* EL SEGUNDO — Toy maker Mattel Inc. announced second-quarter profits have been cut in half. The makers of Barbie, Hot Wheels and Fisher-Price toys, said the slow economy has lowered a demand on their line of toys.

Sources close to Ken say, "Barbie is not going to like this, but we all know she is the real reason behind the loss. She has always been a high-maintenance-ho. If Mattel would just cut back on her shoe collection alone, it could save millions."

Sources close to Barbie say, "Suck it, Ken. Shouldn't you be getting your Broke Back Camouflage on with GI Joe?"