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November 21, 2016
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On January 20, 2017, Donald J. Trump takes the oath of office as the 45th President of the United States.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS
Raise your right hand and repeat after me.

DONALD J TRUMP
Would a “please” be too much to ask for? I mean I just win this incredible victory with millions and millions of votes and you’re gonna try to boss me around? I don’t think so.

And by the way, do you see that hand? Look how big that hand is! And it’s not the only thing that’s up if you wanna know what’s what when we’re talking raising.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS
I… Donald J. Trump…

DONALD J TRUMP
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? Is your mind shot or something? Hell of a time to go nuts, standing up here in front of billions of people. You’re not me. I’m me. And so are my kids.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS
Do solemnly swear…

DONALD J TRUMP
Is this going anywhere because I’m bored already.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS
That I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States…

DONALD J TRUMP
Hang on I’m tweeting a picture of this view. Not much of a mall. There’s nothing all the way to the big pointy stone. Whole place is crying out for high end boutiques and luxury apartments. Sad. And say what you want but that pool is not reflecting.

The what now? President? Sure. Once the audit is finished.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS
And will to the best of my ability…

DONALD J TRUMP
My ability is fine. Believe me. I built a tremendous company with fantastic properties and interests all over the world. More than you’ll ever learn of if you wanna know the truth. And the people love me and want me to rule them. So, I have amazing ability. Top notch.

Not that I would want to have ability when it comes to your wife if you know what I mean. Very unattractive. The Tic Tacs would stay in my pocket I have to say.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS
Preserve, protect and defend…

DONALD J TRUMP
I just have to tell you that’s sounding like a lot of things. So, yes, some of them I’ll take a whack at, but I’m not gonna drive myself crazy on stuff. I’ll see what I can do and if it doesn’t work out I have way better ways of spending my time than you could ever be able to think of.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS
The Constitution of the United States…

DONALD J TRUMP
Absolutely. Constitution. Such an important thing no question.

Big fan of the Constitution.

Lots of fantastic thoughts in those two pages.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS
So help me God.

DONALD J TRUMP
Help? Maybe you need help in your little robe but I’m fine because I surrounded myself with high end people. Not that I have a problem with God but only I can save everybody because I’m the only one who knows what I’m doing. In fact, Jefferson came to me in a dream last night. I think it was Jefferson or it could have been Hamilton or Churchill or one of the other Presidents but he said to me he said “Donald. What we started only you can end”. I mean he spoke on a first name basis and I could’ve taken offense but I must tell you I saw it as very flattering that even the dead envy me because they know how great my name will be when I’m finished.

And speaking of finished I wanna take a second here to remind the hundreds of millions of viewers that after the cannons and music I’m gonna live tweet my speech. Then there’s a parade of some kind which is the first I’m hearing. But then later the balls! Incredible balls! All kinds of balls all over town and the ratings for those will be off the charts! They tell me we will have the highest number of eyeballs of any balls in balls history. And most of the clothing and jewelry you’ll see on Melania and Ivanka will be part of the special Inaugural Ball Line at the website. A credit card and two clicks and its yours. Phenomenal items!
So wrap it up already will ya.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS
May I congratulate you sir.

PRESIDENT DONALD J TRUMP
No. Just grab a seat cause you and the totally dishonest media and the professional agitators and everyone else that’s against me are never gonna put me through any of this crap again. Ever. That I can tell you. Now who has the codes?

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