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July 18, 2008
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No Dog in Beijing

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

I don’t like China. It has nothing to do with the way they look or the fact they are so far off the map with their language that I need a translator for my translator. It’s the government and the way they treat their people- and we know very little about that because they only allow us to 2 places in a country that comprises most of Asia. And yet we import so much cheap stuff that’s made there. It’s sickening. Sickening because head honchos at Wal-Mart are killing people on both sides- the Chinese by what’s paid to their worker bees and the cashier on our side who works in the store for—oops, the same reason. A few Waltons have made themselves a ton of money. Ever seen one of their houses? Google map Arkansas. They jut out like Las Vegas at night. You need a GPS system to not get lost inside one. Ain’t like what John Boy and Elizabeth grew up in.

In China-

Human rights? Here, take a bullet to your head for even asking.

Monk? We got too many—into the China Sea with you- ask your God to throw you a life preserver!

As I hate seeing any human taken advantage of, the Communist Chinese leaders head my list of ‘no Christmas gift for you’.

The 2008 Olympics are being hosted there. Darfur would be better. Iran a close 2nd. But China? What have they done to deserve the honor? Have we run out of cool places to go? NYC? New Orleans? Even Delphia. ANYWHERE.

Let’s list some reasons-

1)      Communism sucks, at least the way they apply it. Actually, although a nice concept on the paper Stalin wrote it on, it has yet to work anywhere (even the Russians caved). Almost as much as we call a ‘free democracy’ as it’s ‘practiced’ now. Ask almost any Iraqi how much ‘democracy’ has done for them (ducks a grenade launcher).

 

We pay our poor minimum wage to do jobs like cleaning, being a nanny, and landscaping. The Chinese pay them a palm full of rice then expect that to feed their family of 5. After they get off their 2987th straight day of 18 hour shifts.

 

2)      They force their couples a limit of 2 children. We allow more (a good idea in theory). The Catholic Church encourages it. We just don’t care what happens to them after their born. See how many black children are in foster homes waiting for adoption. Yet adopting a Chinese or Russian kid for $20,000 is considered trendy.

 

3)      This is the biggie- they eat dogs.

 

You hear those jokes about cats being in American Chinese Take Out?

The real Chinese truly eat them. Fido too.

They raise some kind of weird dog-like creature like we raise cattle. I saw it on the Food Channel, I think. No, actually it was Anthony Bourdain (who’s cool). They looked like mutants, but I still felt bad because one minute they’re barking behind a house, the next their gutted carcasses are hanging like Warhol artwork in the picture window.

The good news is, as it was reported last week, dog will not be served during the Olympics. I suppose for the sake of Westerners. Possibly the negative coverage it might create--- should a camera momentarily catch a ‘Homer’ munching on a poodle’s now fried wing while Shaun Johnson is twisting on the balance beam.

When the games begin, they will start without me. End without me, too. I suggest you blog or make a video during the time they’re on. Don’t give Home Depot, Budweiser or Pfizer the ratings to justify the ad time they’ll be scooping up.

And if I see JUST ONE Mighty Dog commercial, I will scream.

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