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Published September 03, 2009 The Crypt More Info »
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Published September 03, 2009

If you've been following along all week, you should realize by now that I do, in fact, think I'm slightly better than you. And, why wouldn't I? I'm a tall, trim guy with a great vocabulary and snappy style! Granted, there must be another 6'1" dairy-free jerk out there who dresses like a stuck up yachtsman and talks like such yachtsman's bitchy lawyer mom; however I strongly doubt he has that elegant touchAnd that elegant touch is today's admirable trait, and, believe you me, it's admirable.

So, what exactly is that elegant touch? It's that certain "je ne sais quoi" that makes everything you do seem effortless. I don't know why or how I'm so damn smooth, I just am.  Actually, I never really thought of myself as smooth until someone pointed it out, and I didn't believe same until others agreed.  I actually thought I bumbled through life, bouncing from one happy mistake to the next. Like when I showed up at work wearing two different shoes. Or the time I slammed my automatically-locking apartment door behind me without my keys in hand. Or when I tore my favorite pants awkwardly below the knee on a fence while demonstrating a weird skipping thing that my then trainer called care-ee-oh-kers. But, with hindsight, I see that my friends were right. The show mix up led to a lunchtime purchase of awesome Chuck Taylor high tops in tan; I slammed the door to reveal that I had left my keys in the knob overnight, so not only was I not locked out, but I proved for the first time in, I think, history that two wrongs (i.e., (1) slamming a door without keys and (2) leaving keys in the knob overnight) can make a right; and, the pants I tore turned into the awesome, frayed-edge, hipster shorts I am sporting at this very moment, which awesome, frayed-edge, hipster shorts helped me hold my own at the lunch I just attended with all the resident artists at the art complex where I volunteer. So, yah, very smooth, but what else would you expect from someone with that elegant touch? (By the way, if you're not otherwise convinced, the mere fact that I attended a lunch to welcome two new resident artists -- a graphic designer from Taiwan and a sculptor from Australia by way of Germany -- to the complex where I volunteer should be proof enough of my elegant touch.)

Sure, the elegant touch is an intangible, but, nonetheless, it's easier to achieve than awesome hair. So, follow these simple tips since there really is nothing to lose:

(1) Pick an old movie star, and become his/her biggest fan. Mine is James Stewart (and it's James, not Jimmy, if you don't mind). My friend Naseem's is Audrey Hepburn, and, even though Naseem is Persian and Audrey was not, Naseem actually kind of looks like Audrey, or at least possesses her classy air.

(2) Get good grades in school without trying, kiss up to teachers without them knowing, and play Scrabble with your mom on Saturday nights (in which, by the way, there's no shame, so stop telling me that I didn't have a life in high school!)

(3) Why not have a signature scent? Mine is Happy for Men.

(4) Just laugh as much as you can. Seriously, laugh all the time and loudly. You can fill your laugh lines with restylane later!

(5) Try to appear as if you are always gliding. Physically. What's more elegant than a penguin on ice?

That's it!  I wish you all the best of luck in becoming as great as me, and it's been a pleasure sharing. Before we part ways for a while, there are a few housekeeping items:

- As you go about your day, week, month, year, etc., please keep in mind that I have mind-blowingly incredible and amazing hair. It's uncanny. That's true.

- If you're burning for more me, check out any of my other blogs: www.allenhere.tumblr.com (my own personal tumblr devoted to my random and oftentimes silly musings), www.naturestelevision.com (a blog hopelessly devoted to the non sequiturs that pass through our minds and entertain us that I write with three others, though I don't think we've posted anything new in a while), and www.welovebeingjewish.tumblr.com (a blog that I write with the very brunette Lauren Schnipper unhealthily devoted to our love of the culture in which we were raised).

- Yes, it kills me that the formatting is all jerked up on entry 1/5, but there simply is nothing I can do about it. I tried. You know I tried.

- Bear hugs and miniature pony kisses!

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