13 Things I Wish Were Addressed in Yelp Reviews of Bars

Yelp can be an incredibly valuable source of information I've never cared about. Here's what I'd like to know:

1. Is this the type of bar where I'll be judged for my nondescript haircut and propensity to wear flip-flops?

2. Will there be annoying drunk girls?

• If so, will they interrupt a conversation I'm having with a friend so they can ask me to take a picture of them and their friends?  
• If so, will they then insult the picture I've taken despite having done them a favor?
• If so, will I have to take another one?
• If so, does that say more about me and my desire to act cool in front of girls at a bar?

3. Will there be annoying drunk guys?

• If so, will I be able to use the restroom without them barging in asking why it's taking me so long to pee?
• If I can, in fact, not pee, can I fake it? Like is it loud enough where nobody will notice the lack of a stream soundly hitting the urinal wall? Or what about the automatic flusher? Will it not flush if it recognizes that someone has major confidence issues and didn't actually use the urinal?

4. Speaking of which, how far do these urinals jet out?

• If far enough to make my penis visible, are there dividers?
• If not, what's the stall situation? Locks?

5. In a worst-case scenario, I have to take a shit, what are my options?

• If the bar has no quality options, are there nearby restaurants where I can get away with pretending to be interested in the menu, only to run off the bathroom when the host is not looking?

6. What beers are on tap?

• Will I be judged if I repeatedly point at the taps and ask if it's "anything like a Newcastle."

7. Is the music so loud that all my conversations will involve me screaming "What?" and then lowering my head so my ear is at mouth level and thus will never make eye contact with anyone I'm talking to?

8. Is this the type of bar where "Don't Stop Believin'" comes on the jukebox and everybody acts like they just heard it for the first time in years?

• If so, can I get away with killing someone?

9. How far is the nearest police station?

• Would you say the cops "respond quickly"?

10. Are these the types of cops who are real "ball-busters" and would not understand murdering someone for their generic taste in music?

11. Do you know any good lawyers?

• If so, what is their rate?
• If cheap, what are their thoughts on Journey?
• Do you think they'd go for the ol' "the bar that was not reviewed appropriately on yelp and thus my client didn't know what he was getting into" defense?

12. What does good behavior REALLY mean?

13. Can you tell my mom I love her?