Yelp can be an incredibly valuable source of information I've never cared about. Here's what I'd like to know:
1. Is this the type of bar where I'll be judged for my nondescript haircut and propensity to wear flip-flops?
2. Will there be annoying drunk girls?
- If so, will they interrupt a conversation I'm having with a friend so they can ask me to take a picture of them and their friends?
- If so, will they then insult the picture I've taken despite having done them a favor?
- If so, will I have to take another one?
- If so, does that say more about me and my desire to act cool in front of girls at a bar?
- If so, will I be able to use the restroom without them barging in asking why it's taking me so long to pee?
- If I can, in fact, not pee, can I fake it? Like is it loud enough where nobody will notice the lack of a stream soundly hitting the urinal wall? Or what about the automatic flusher? Will it not flush if it recognizes that someone has major confidence issues and didn't actually use the urinal?
- If far enough to make my penis visible, are there dividers?
- If not, what's the stall situation? Locks?
- If the bar has no quality options, are there nearby restaurants where I can get away with pretending to be interested in the menu, only to run off the bathroom when the host is not looking?
- Will I be judged if I repeatedly point at the taps and ask if it's "anything like a Newcastle."
8. Is this the type of bar where "Don't Stop Believin'" comes on the jukebox and everybody acts like they just heard it for the first time in years?
- If so, can I get away with killing someone?
- Would you say the cops "respond quickly"?
11. Do you know any good lawyers?
- If so, what is their rate?
- If cheap, what are their thoughts on Journey?
- Do you think they'd go for the ol' "the bar that was not reviewed appropriately on yelp and thus my client didn't know what he was getting into" defense?
13. Can you tell my mom I love her?