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Published December 14, 2013

Wendy Freshner’s Summer Jobs

Sketch number four:

Cashier at Whoopee Burger.

Character list:

Wendy Freshner: After quitting her last three jobs, she is down to the barrel.

Carliton Quezno: Carlos Quezno’s brother. Manger of the Whoopee Burger and Medicinal Marijuana dealer.

Mister Blackwell: A homeless person giving money to Carlos Quezno not knowing it is legalized.

Customer: Extra.

Ex: Whoopie Burger

Cut to. INT: Whoopee Burger’s fast food interior.

Wendy Freshner is at the register and gives her customer a Whoopee burger.

 

Wendy Freshner

: (Bored) And thank you for stopping at Whoopee Burger; we hope you have a Whoopee day.

Customer leaves the scene.

Carliton Quezno enters the scene.

          Carliton Quezno

(Irritated) Ms. Freshner, I suspect more of an enthusiastic attitude then the one you are giving. You are not even smiling!

Wendy Freshner I’ll try my best Mr. Quezno and thank you for giving me job despite what your brother says.

Carliton Quezno

Please Ms. Freshner, how shall I say my twin is a …

Wendy Freshner

A raving lunatic?

Carliton Quezno

Off balance. Now remember my instructions?

Wendy Freshner

Yes Mr. Quezno Always give the customer the blue bag for adult sized meals but give red bags for the Junior Meals.

Carliton Quezno

Very good but I’ll be adding another rule. I’ll show you with this customer as an example.

Mister Blackwell walks in.. He looks like he has been on part of the streets most of his life. You can tell he is not all that right in the head.

Carliton Quezno

Ah my most valued customer. What can I get you today? Would it be the usual?

Mister Blackwell

The usual. And make it a heavier dosage this time. Last time did not take.

Wendy Freshner Dosage?

Carliton Quezno

(Fake Laughing) He means extra fries. Of course Mister Blackwell your order will be right with you.

Carliton Quezno

(Side whisper) Stall him while I retrieve his order.

Carliton Quezno leaves the scene. Awkward silence between Wendy Freshner and Mister Blackwell.

Wendy Freshner

So… how do you like living on the streets?

Mister Blackwell

It’s the street. It’s crap all the time, I sleep in a box with a newspaper as a roof. Do you want to come over for dinner some night? I’m making week old rotten tuna fish in a can.

Wendy Freshner

No thanks I just got over the stomach rather not receive any more poisoning.

Carliton Quezno comes back into the scene. He is carrying a red bag with white stripes. There is a certain smell that is coming from inside it.

Carliton Quezno

Here you go Mister Blackwell, fresh from the garden…I mean from the griddle.

Wendy Freshner sniffs the air.

Wendy Freshner

Is there a skunk around?

Carliton Quezno

Yes. You do smell a skunk. Now here is your meal Mister Blackwell.

Wendy Freshner

Wait a second…

Wendy Freshner grabs the bag out of Carliton Quezno’s hands. She looks into the bag.

Wendy Freshner

This is marijuana. You are selling marijuana here?!

Carliton Quezno

Yes but it is illegal to sell it in a restaurant. So hush hush alright Senorita?

Carliton Quezno playfully nudges her. She pushes him away.

Wendy Freshner

It is legal to sell it in a restaurant, Mister Quezno.

Mister Blackwell

What?! You son of a bitch! You made me pay you in hundred dollars bills! You cost me my marriage! I have not seen my children in six months!

Carliton Quezno

But now you can afford to pay me the original price. As far as your children goes, you always whining to me they cost you your sanity.

Mister Blackwell

True. Are you sure you do not want to go to Mars with me? The little green men who live in my box with me gave me an extra ticket to their space ship for half priced.

Wendy Freshner

Unless you do not have a license or registered for carrying marijuana. And as for you Mister Blackwell.

(Pause)

There is a reason why your marriage did not work out. Seriously sir, seek help.

Carliton Quezno How do you know this information?

Wendy Freshner

My Mom’’s boyfriend sells it at the pharmacy across town.

Mister Blackwell

(Sniffs) Well I do not need my family anyway. I’m off to Mars. I need the marijuana for rations. Now how much do I owe you?

Carliton Quezno

Yes Mister Blackwell that will come to a hundred and five dollars.

Wendy Freshner

Why the extra five dollars?

Mister Blackwell reaches into the red bag and pulls out a Junior Whoopee Burger. Wendy looks at him in bafflement.

Mister Blackwell

What? I always order a Junior Whoopee Burger along with my pot.

End of sketch.

 
 
 
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