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June 05, 2008

FOD Wire- (Phoenix, AZ)  A 58 year old retired retirement home manager is receiving psychiatric care after biting into a burger at Zaa Zaa's a national fast food chain, and finding what authorities have confirmed is a human penis. Initial forensics indicate that the penis came from a male between the ages of 15 and 55 who had recently consumed a Mike's Hard Lemonade. Zaa Zaa's manager Tim Birdfield, 24, was mystified as to how-  Shit. I did it again. This story didn't even come close to happening. There's not even a Zaa Zaa's. Here's the thing, I made up the shark/porn story and we tripled our hits. And then I got a promotion to FOD metro editor. I'm now sitting in my office with a pile of cocaine on my desk watching old tapes of the evening news from 1977 looking for fucked up stories to rip off. I haven't slept in three days and last night I tried to hang myself but ended up tearing the sprinkler hose out of the ceiling with my belt.
  This is a roller coaster. FOX news has called me five times. Brit Hume said he likes the cut of my jib. Also, Matt Drudge and Wolf Blitzer have called as has Geraldo and Glenn Beck. In short, I've made it.
   Please, I beg you. Don't click on this story or Digg it. This must stop. Stories like this have destroyed our country. Everyone knows who Brittany gets her car detailed by yet no one knows Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. Will I stop myself? No way. I'm chasing the dragon now. I'm going to start writing fake box scores, weather reports and crime blodders. I'm the man now mofo-heads. No one can stop me!! I'm drunk with power!!! Whatever I write is reality!! Reality has to call me and wait a month for lunch!!! Arfghhhhhdsoagiuaw;oegaenuwn;ogealbkjdjfbvne;orjkwee.........
  Excuse me... I am a Croatian plumber.... I come in here to fix pipe and find this man.... Blood coming out of his nose... Naked...a car antenna up his ass.... What do I do. I am not legal immigrant... I take his watch and run..................