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January 24, 2017
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"If people want prayers and thoughts, they shouldn't rely on hand outs."

Paul Ryan, R (WI) flanked by Republican House leaders and committee chairs announced today in the Capital Rotunda that they would introduce a bill to drastically cut back on “thoughts and prayers” tweets and statements during mass shootings and natural disasters.

“This bill will be a victory for small government against the left wing Nanny State,” Ryan said. “If people want prayers and thoughts, they shouldn’t rely on hand outs. Let them pray and think for themselves. Besides, self-soothing is an important skill for Americans to develop to compete in the modern job market.”

The bill will still allow for “thoughts” in some cases and “prayers” in others. But only in the case of Hurricanes affecting several red states will there be “thoughts AND prayers.”

“Let’s face it, if there are hundreds of ‘thoughts and prayers’ out there it dilutes the prayers, for sure. At that point God just treats them like a Bed Bath & Beyond catalogue. And the ‘thoughts’ were always the lamer of the two wishes anyway,” House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy R (CA) intoned.

“And now those thoughts can be put to use figuring out tax cuts and loop holes for the job creators of this nation,” McCarthy continued.

“We are however considering a less costly version with an ‘All the Best’ or ‘Hang in there’ tweet,” said a moderate Republican who refused to be named for fear of being primaried by a Tea Party candidate. “Just call me Congressman Raphael Birdswift the third,” he quickly yelled before exiting the rotunda with his jacket pulled over his head to avoid photographers.

When asked if anyone would consider common sense gun safety laws that have been proven to reduce violence, the group of House Leaders seemed confused.

“What? I don’t get—Wait… Are you serious? Oh my God, I think he’s serious! Look at his face! He IS serious.”

They then laughed very hard, almost aggressively, for 4 to 6 minutes straight while this reporter quietly left.

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