PSA: What You May Not Know About Stress, The Beatles and Peeing.
Sometimes, okay,often, I find that I have to pee but once I get to the bathroom and squat on the toilet… nothing. I sit there and think about all kinds of things from, “Wait, what am I doing?” to “Imagine if people could fly?” to“Paul McCartney was the coolest Beatle. But what about George?” and eventually,“I forgot how to pee.” (I left out the most reoccurring thought, “What day is it?”)
Stress-induced urine retention is real but with a few terrifying steps, can be overcome.
Just ask Queen Elizabeth. She’s got a lot on her mind. I wonder how long it takes her to actually realize she can relax and pee. Although, her thought process probably differs from mine though not by much. “What the hell has Charles done now?”“Did I leave my reading glasses in Parliament again?” “I forgot how to pee.”“It’s 2016 and I still can’t seem to get a decent pair of pantyhose.” “I have better hats than Maggie Thatcher.”
Whether it’s The Queen of England, or a woman who gets trapped for several minutes inside her own t-shirts on a regular basis (it’s a lot more difficult to take of your own shirt than it seems okay? Fine, I have a giant head.) Anyway, the problem is the same: stress. We need to relax. So then comes the question, “Well, how do I relax so I can pee already?!” Okay, okay, I get it. You just drank a gallon of water next to a waterfall in the middle of a tropical rainstorm and I have to hurry up here. The answer? “Stop.” Yes, it’s that simple.“Stop thinking.” (Well, not entirely as you would be dead if you could achieve that state of mind.) But stop thinking about anything other than “I am sitting on a toilet and although I have things to do, I can spare a few seconds to relax and pee.”
Let’s start: close your eyes a and envision all of your debt collectors falling into a fiery volcano. Your boss has decided to “find himself” and is moving to India at this moment, giving you his brand new car, his penthouse apartment and of course, sole access to his million dollar checking and savings accounts. Your mother-in-law tells everyone your cooking is better than hers and as it’s been too difficult for her to come and visit lately, she won’t be coming over again anytime in the forseeable future. You never have to shave your legs or armpits again yet they will magically be hairless and smooth. Now take a moment and notice that your jaw is unclenching, your hands are melting from fists ready to take on Muhammad Ali, or at least the supermarket cashier who insists on telling you how old you look for your age, to open palms, even your face relaxes (perhaps into something resembling a smile,or at least, not a menacing glare.) You haven’t a care in the world. It’s just you and the toilet at total peace. And then just before you’re about to fall asleep in this warm cocoon of dancing coyotes, rainbows, Enya and Glade’s “Don’t Move: Everyone’s Calm” automatic plug-in air freshener wafting up your nose and pitch forward sliding onto the floor, *drumroll*, the pee begins.
At this point you have two choices: Realize you’re finally peeing, get excited and then panic. Why are you so relaxed when you have so much to do? You return to your normal anxiety-ridden state and stop peeing mid-stream. Or, you can acknowledge that you have been given a gift— the gift of peeing and you’re not going to let any motherfucker, even yourself, ruin this. If you choose the latter, do whatever you have to, and I mean anything, to keep yourself relaxed. Remind yourself that you are a sacred warrior who is on a quest. You have no responsibilities. That bad back that keeps acting up? A Swedish massage team lead by a man named Hans is patiently waiting to work on your muscles for the next few hours, while your husband does all the laundry and ironing and he doesn’t get to speak, not even one word. Feel yourself back in that warm cocoon without a care in the world as you continue to pee once again, this time until completion. Ahh. You feel relief and are so damn happy you compliment the toilet paper.
Unfortunately, the phone rings and it’s your assistant letting you know that you’re twenty minutes late to a business gala you’re the key note speaker for. You suddenly remember the thing that had been nagging you this whole time is that you were supposed to buy something to wear for this event over a week ago and forgot. You won’t be peeing for another month. I hope it was good.