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Jacksonville Jaguars at Pittsburgh Steelers
Why does Jacksonville have a team? Oh wait, they don’t. Steelers by 20.
Houston Texans at Baltimore Ravens
Texas is stupid, hot and has big hair. Baltimore is, well, Baltimore. Advantage: Texans.
Indianapolis Colts at Cincinnati Bengals
There’s no “I” in Team, but there’s no Manning, either. Bengals by 4.
San Francisco Rice-a-Roni at Detroit Lions
Donkey Kong Suh smacks Alex Smith and makes him thank him for doing it. Megatron stands by and laughs. Lions by 14.
St. Louis Rams at Green Bay Packers
Well, at least they have the Cardinals. Packers by 20.
Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons
Richie Cunningham quarterbacks the Falcons. Cam Newton is the Fonz. Panthers by 12.
Buffalo Bills at New York Giants
Giants aren’t real. Neither is Buffalo, but their team is. Toronto Bills by 3.
Philadelphia Eagles at Washington Redskins
I shared a kennel at the Washington Area Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Shanahan’s boys by 456,222.
Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders
I still don’t know what a Brown is, but I know what a Holmgren is: an overstuffed whiny walrus. Resurgent Raiders by 10.
Dallas Cowboys at New England Patriots
Cowboys v. Cheaters, a new movie starring – wait, what happened to the film? Damn it! Cowboys in the upset.
New Orleans Saints at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Bucs lose a close one. LeGarrette Blount punches everybody in the face after the game.
Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears
Jay Cutler is the youngest, least successful Baldwin brother. DNA will prove it. Bears by 7.
Miami Mahi-Mahi at New York Jets
Sorry Charlie, the NFL is dolphin safe this year. Jets by 20.