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April 07, 2010


As Leatherface, many people know me as a chainsaw wielding lunatic who eats people. But in addition to being a psychotic murderer, I am also a bit of a gourmand. Put simply: any ol’ guts won’t do.

Because I refuse to compromise on taste, because I am always looking for a healthy delicious alternative, and because I enjoy rare flavors: I wish I had Michelle Obama’s arms.

Killing and dismembering loners is not an easy task. Chainsawing, for me, is a full time job from the moment I stalk a victim to the moment his remains hit the dinner table in one of my signature platters full o’ people. After a long day of butchering, I’m often disappointed by the quality of the food. Have you ever eaten a college student? The meat is string city. It’s for this reason that I am constantly on the lookout for the perfect, flavorful bite.

Michelle Obama’s arms, quite simply, look delicious. Every time I open a magazine, it seems, I’m treated to photos of the First Lady waving to a crowd. My stomach rumbles. Will I ever be able to taste perfection? Perhaps, some day.  In the meantime, I will have to settle for second best or worse.

You see, I’m a Texas man, and Southern style cooking means fatty fried foods, rich sauces and syrupy desserts. Since this is the food most Southern people eat and since I mostly eat Southern people, I’ve gained a lot of weight since I started killing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big boy, but I don’t want to be too big.

Michelle Obama’s arms would be the perfect meal for me. Not an ounce of fat on them, they are lean and products of constant workouts. Did you know the First Lady gets up every other day at 5 am to exercise her arms? Knowing that we have a First Lady that is that committed to physical fitness makes me inspired… and a little hungry.

I have never eaten a head of state or even a government official. Most of my meals come from hitchhikers or drifters who wander into my homestyle butcher shop. If given the chance, I would consider it an honor to make a meal out of anyone in the first family, but if I had my choice, I know the first and only thing I would choose would be. Michelle Obama’s arms.