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September 14, 2017

"I'd love to be able to give a kid passing by a balloon animal and try to become friends, but now I wouldn't dare."


It’s been a rough twelve months for clowns. The circus shut down. There was a creepy clown panic. And now the Stephen King movie It, with its portrayal of the murderous clown Pennywise, is not helping their reputation. This has been especially hard on actual very nice clowns living in storm drains, the site of one of the movie’s most iconic and most troubling scenes. We asked some of those clowns to give their honest reaction to the film:

Bizbo, a nice clown

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“Where do I go now? You think I wanted to move into a storm drain to begin with? What was I supposed to do? Stay above ground and try to find another job? Birthday party clown market’s dead, and it ain’t like Ronald McDonald’s retiring.”

Honkers, a friendly clown

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“The whole creeping kids out from dark spaces thing is such a horrible clown stereotype. And I heard the clown in the movie isn’t even a real clown. Just some white guy in clown-face. Classic Hollywood.”

Chuckles, a good-natured clown

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“Attacking kids from the storm drain? It’s ridiculous. If anything, the kids are the ones attacking us in the storm drain. We’re all just trying to stay out of the way until the day it’s safe to come back up.”

Bubbles, a lovable clown

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“I’d love to be able to give a kid passing by a balloon animal and try to become friends, but now I wouldn’t dare. That was my only hope to get someone to do my laundry. This multi-colored silky onesie thing is already starting to mold on my body. And something smells like cheese.”

Jebzy, a benign clown

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“I’d love to go up and campaign against this movie’s gross misrepresentation of clowns, but I’m too scared. Last time I campaigned for anything, I got humiliated in the primaries. Funny, I used to think of my brother as the clown of the family. He ended up being president for two terms.”