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June 08, 2016

It's summer time and the weather is getting hot. Time to teach those ladies how to stay cool by getting them wet.

Spray Them With a Garden Hose


Step 1:
Ask them if they would like to be sprayed with a garden hose.

If they say no:
Don’t spray them with the garden hose.

If yes:
Proceed to step 2.

Step 2:
Spray them with the garden hose.

Fact: 9 out of 10 women who agree to consensual garden hose spraying get wet. They can’t help it. Because of all the water on them. Well, I guess they could “help it” by stating that they no longer agree to being sprayed with a garden hose. Wherein you would stop.

Push Them in the Pool


You and a woman are standing at the side of a pool.
Ask her if she would like to be pushed in the pool.

If she says no:
Leave town.

If she agrees:
Push her in the pool.

Fact: Women submerged in the pool are more likely to be completely wet than women who are not. Pool water is one of the wettest known waters in the western world. Some scientists say words like “Galaxy” or “Science”. Science and language can be fun, just not here because, “we out to get them honey’s dipped” not talk science like those silly girls do at recess. Move out.

Do a Rain Dance


Fact: Ladies love a man who can dance. Especially if it’s a well executed traditional rain dance. It has a 30% chance of superficially helping to make them wet as long as the dance was consensual, and of course, if it actually does rain. You are however allowed to do a traditional rain dance for your own enjoyment, provided that it has no ulterior motives that would affect someone else negatively.

Treat Them as Equals

Pretty self explanatory.

Talk About 9/11 Conspiracies


Wowhooo boi!: The ladies love this. All of them. No exceptions. It is a well-known fact that all women believe every 9/11 conspiracy there is. Heck, some of them even believe that a straight white male did it (Not very likely ‘em I right boys! High Fives!). Bring up every 9/11 conspiracy theory you can think of, as fast as you can. Just shout that shit into her face, she’ll go insane and stab you in the throat, which means she likes you. If she doesn’t, it still means she likes you. You just have to be persistent. Dig deeper into 9/11, talk about the Illuminati. You boys better pack a jockstrap because these ladies will punch you in the balls. Which, pretty much means you get to keep her. Like, as an object. You can actually do this with everyone. See a guy on the street he’s got a nice butt. Shout your theories at him, “Starbucks is run by deer from space”. That person is yours now. You can have them.

Good luck out there fellas.