MOM: I can’t stand being around you anymore.
DAD: Why don’t you sit then?
MOM: I want a divorce.
BOSS: I’m afraid we have to let you go.
DAD: Let me go where?
MUGGER: Give me all of your fucking money.
DAD: Who are you, my wife?
MUGGER: I will stab you motherfucker!
DAD: You sound just like her!
ME: Dad, I’m HIV positive.
DAD: Hi, HIV positive, I’m Dad.