Everyone and their grandmother’s cat has a podcast these days. I do not have one yet, though I am sure I will have one one day when it is mandatory to have one under the laws of conformity. They seem like a lot of work, though. I heard recently that to maintain her singing voice, Jewel eats a lot of greasy potato chips to lubricate her throat. I would hate to see what I would look like after eating a bag of potato chips a day, let alone you, so I am so happy that the podcast is just an audio medium and we wouldn’t have to look at each other. I will just freeball a few ideas for podcasts that you can do instead of me, because no doubt your co-workers are kicking you in the shins for not having a podcast yet. These are pretty good ideas, I would haphazardly listen to them in the background if you asked me to enough times.
You can have this name for your podcast if you are a sassy British woman. Though I am also considering selling the rights to Jim Broadbent. Either way, this is for the United Kingdom.
A Massachusetts based podcast that consists of conversations about “Call of Duty” that take place on a fishing vessel.
This American Leif
Frank discussions with the Viking-American population. Do you like your hats? Which came first, you or the sports team? Why are your funerals so cool? Is Hagar really horrible, or is he just misunderstood?
My Week at the Movies
If you are forced to watch pirated movies on your laptop instead of at the theater, and that makes you sad, listen to this podcast. It is all about the movie experience! It doesn’t have anything to do with the movie you are watching, it is just an hour and a half of generic things you may hear at the cinema to play simultaneously while watching your movie, to make you feel included. From “That explosion looked so fake” to “Wasn’t he on an episode of “Grey’s Anatomy”?” If you type in your coordinates you can even order somebody to sneeze on you!
Since the podcast is largely an ear-based medium, each week the host will break things. The listeners will have to guess what is being broken.
Building off the idea that podcasts are largely a medium of the ear, this podcast will feature an adult movie being played. No visuals, just the sound. It will save you the trouble of hiding the tab when your mom walks into the room so it is actually a good deed being done here. The host will describe what the people involved look like in an undertone so you can imagine it better. Each time there is a loud moan, the listeners will have to guess what is being broken.
Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper
This podcast will feature the audio of a live execution of a teacher who got too friendly with his students.
It’s Too Quiet In Here
When things are too oddly quiet in your life, play this podcast in the background. There will be sounds on it to break the awkward silence. Each week, a new sound, featuring guests such as banana peels being put through a garbage disposal, construction, and muffled Ukrainian cursing.
I Was Just Being Sarcastic
Each week, a guest comes on and then rips into a band that they don’t like. Then the person they are trying to nail calls in and tells them, teary-eyed, that that is their favorite band. The person spends the next hour and a half trying to convince them that they were just joking, that band is so good and likeable. You can practically hear the teeth gritting.
What’s Da Word?
Lure people who are oppressing others and their human rights (
Saddam, Osama, Moammar, Kim Jong, Syria I guess) into your podcast booth under the pretence of 90 minutes to spread their word as law and free chips. They will probably agree, who would say no to guest-ing on a podcast? Then kill them or arrest them.
Podcasts describing things you did once, sadly pretending that saying them makes them be done again. Like when you met Dennis Rodman.
Concussion of the Week
If somebody you know has a concussion, you can record a shout out to them on this podcast. They (the person with the concussion) will not remember anything you say to them during this time, so say whatever you like.
There is a podcast named after Nirvana, so why not one after the next best band? Each weekend, the guest will be a vampire that talks about how to plan an effective weekend avoiding sunlight and Italian restaurants. After the microphones are off, please kill them with a stake to the heart.
How We Met
Two people of the opposite gender who have never met are forced to participate in a podcast together. They get all the dumb, boring stuff out of the way like what their favorite colors are and their zodiac signs. They fall in love. They get married. Then when they are forced to have conversations with people they don’t really care about that much and someone asks, “How did you two meet?”, they will just play them the podcast.
About to Die
Each week, a person who has one hour left to live will give an hour-long epitaph.
CliffNotes: The Podcast
Designed for middle-to-high-school students, this podcast will outline all the books you study in school, giving you pointers on how to ace the quiz you are eventually given!**
**This podcast will get every detail slightly wrong so kids will fail the tests. Read the fucking book.
People who have stolen other people’s identities can give shout outs to those people whose credit cards they are buying grossly unnecessary things with. Maybe I should not make podcasts. Maybe I should just conduct sting operations.