It’s me again—that cute little kid from the Nationwide “Make Safe Happen” commercial who never got to learn how to ride a bike or get married, etc. etc., because I got crushed by a TV or ate poison or something and died in a household accident. And yeah, I’m upset that I never got to do all that stuff. But you wanna know what I’m most cheesed off about?

I never got to get my fucking dick wet!

It’s like, Blah, blah, blah—so I didn’t get to ride in a boat with a dog or fly or whatever. But the commercial totally buried the lede, right? It’s dancing around the real issue, namely that I never got old enough for my plums to drop so I could finally dip my wick!

I mean, I was in a goddamn commercial during the Super Bowl. Do you know how much poon that would’ve gotten me in college? And to be fair, maybe I wouldn’t have even been into ‘tang, but I never even got to figure out if I was gay or straight, or whatever! Maybe I would’ve LOVED me some dick.

But I guess we’ll never know what got my rocks off now, will we?

I could’ve at least made it long enough to find out some of the freaky shit I would have been into. Maybe I would’ve liked getting pissed on while my nuts got shocked with a car battery, or maybe I would’ve been a furry, or one of those pony-play freaks or something—ooh, or maybe into fucking real, actual horses! But again, who knows? Maybe I would’ve have been a totally vanilla Joe Sixpack—just enjoyed a nice, normal BJ and a pinky up the cornhole every once in awhile from the missus.

Hell, at this point I would have even settled for accidentally strangling myself to death with a belt during autoerotic asphyxiation when I was a teenager. Now that would be an insurance commercial. I can see it now: instead of a bathtub overflowing with water, you see a leather belt dangling from a doorknob. At least then everyone would’ve know I went out busting a hard nut.

In the end, this all just solidifies the message of the original ad: you gotta keep kids like me safe, or we’ll never grow up and get to experience all that life has to offer.

Like having a bunch of live eels shoved into their asshole in Berlin hotel bathroom. Hell yeah.