Thanksgiving is upon us, and we all know what the true reason for the season is: great deals on flat-screen TVs at big-box stores. However, Black Friday sales aren’t for the timid — every year, Americans are injured and killed while trying to get through the door. The Funny Or Die News Shopping Network is here with everything you need to not only nab that new tablet you’re eying, but also to survive the process. And at great Black Friday prices! While supplies last. First come, first served.
Black Friday won’t begin until Thursday, but some people are already lining up outside the stores. If you want to nab those hot cheaps, that line is your world. You eat, sleep, defecate, and mate there. Especially mate. There’s no fucking like fucking on a Best Buy sidewalk. Be beautiful and ruthlessly bisexual and seduce your way to the front of the line, you Mata Hari of the strip mall. Just use these condoms so you don’t cancel out your savings with any expensive pregnancies. Babies don’t understand the first goddamn thing about seasonal discounts.
When the brokenhearted bargain hunters behind you realize that you were just using your beautiful, beautiful body to steal their place in line, they will turn on you, and they will turn hard. Use this beautiful 1,500-volt cattle prod to keep them and their pathetic tears at bay. If you don’t have the stomach to electrify a sobbing soccer dad, consider catching your rivals in a large net ($15.95) instead.
Not a lot of people know this, but big-box stores are completely airtight, like a submarine. (They also have fully operational torpedoes.) When those doors open and it’s go time, all the oxygen in that Walmart will be quickly converted into carbon dioxide and savings. So when you’re three shoppers deep at the bottom of the Tickle Me Pelosi dog pile and everyone around you is suffocating, slip on this World War II era gas mask and you’ll live to shop another day.
Amphetamines: Market price
YOU ARE A GOD. YOU ARE A GOLDEN GOD MADE OF PRIMAL COSMIC ENERGY AND BARGAINS. SCRUPLES AND REHAB TOMORROW. TODAY, LOAD EVERY MUSCLE FIBER WITH STIMULANTS SO YOU CAN REACH THAT BLU-RAY OF GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY 1/16TH OF A SECOND FASTER. RAAAAAAAHHH
This is just a normal thing you will need.
18th century bear baiting armor:
$18,000 just write us an essay about why you want it
This armor was worn by 18th century Siberian bear hunters so that when bears tried to kill them it would hurt. Today, you can wear it so when other soccer moms try to take your bargains it will hurt. It may seem like more trouble than it’s worth (armor is 80 pounds and pointy on the inside too) but that’s where the long underwear comes in handy. And just imagine the look on your little child’s face when they see you burst through the door in this ensemble with an armful of new video games!
Holy Bible: Free (with repentance)
If you want to live with the things you’ve done this weekend you will probably need to become a nun.