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Published November 06, 2008

If you're like most people, you're still in shock. THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS HAVING YOUR MIND BLOWN.

Even if you're stumbling around the office saying, "I can't believe it . . . I can't believe it . . . it blows my mind . . ." that doesn't actually mean the absolute, glorious, unfuckingbelievableness of it has caught up with you and officially blown your mind.

Neurologists expect most Americans' minds to blow sometime around 11:00 PM EST tonight (Nov. 5), approximately 24 hours after the election was called.

BE PREPARED.

Just a few simple precautions can make the difference between your mind blowing in a positive, healthy way . . . or a way that endangers you and other people.

First of all: WEAR A HELMET. You need to keep your skull from exploding. I was actually going to wrap my entire head in duct tape to keep it together -- until my wife suggested that might starve my brain of the oxygen required to actually comprehend how goddamn insanely, mind-blowingly historic this is. So I'm wearing an old bicycle helmet, on which I have written:

DANGER! IF THIS HELMET IS VIBRATING AND ITS WEARER IS SWOONING AND BABBLING, HIS MIND IS IN THE PROCESS OF BEING TOTALLY BLOWN. STAND BACK 50 FEET.

Secondly: DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS. Keep your mind hydrated. When the reality of the election result finally catches up to it, it's going to explode in a million little starbursts of Palinesque intensity. You need to make sure those starbursts aren't dry and chalky. I also recommend sticking multivitamins in your ears, to enrich any mind that blows out the sides of your head.

Third: DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY. I realize this may further damage our economy, but I don't want to be around some forklift operator who suddenly realizes what the heck happened last night just as he's moving hundreds of pounds of boxes near where I'm standing. What if his mind gets so blown, he goes limp and starts flapping around saying, "You can't be serious, this is so mind-blowingly intense, Oh my God, America, America, America, we did it!" because at that point, who's minding the forklift?

Finally: ENJOY THE PROCESS OF YOUR MIND BEING BLOWN. This particular mind-blowing braingasm will happen only once in American history . . . and your mind gets to be a part of it. (i.e., It's going to totally blow your freaking mind.) When it finally hits you -- when it really, truly hits you -- and you feel your mind starting to explode, lay back and smile.

After all, you earned it.

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