So we're all in agreement that despite offering every movie ever made, Netflix is now the absolute worst, right? Great. Glad we're on the same page.
If you hadn't heard, Netflix has continued to make logical choices in the wake of its celebrated price hike, announcing a plan to split its streaming and DVD services into two separate companies. Streaming will continue to be called Netflix, while DVDs will be now known as "Qwikster," which is obviously a great name that will inspire even better brand recognition.
But lost in this declaration of idiocy were thirteen other announcements that should not be overlooked. Here's a rundown:
- All the shows you wish were available for streaming will be available on BetaMax for an extra $14.99
- Now selling a brand new machine that rewinds DVDs for you
- A streaming option in which you watch the Netflix offices literally implode
- The website will now be offering a live feed of @Qwikster, which is not owned by Netflix, but by a weed smoking Elmo. Seriously. See below:
- A few times in the press release they actually said "every one can go fuck themselves"
- They are forcing your grandparents to throw out the VHS copy of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom you've watched at their place for the last twenty years
- They will be merging with MySpace and calling themselves "Throwing in the Towel, Inc"
- If you would like to be slapped in the face by their CEO, that can be made available
- For an extra 8 bucks a month, you can have random movies deleted from your queue (For clarification, this is actually happening. By having a separate account for DVDs, you will now have two queues. Actually three. One for streaming. One for DVDs. On for a list of all reasons Netflix hates you personally.)
- $9.99/month for a service that alerts you every time their CEO makes a public apology
- Their streaming selection now consists only Cameron Crowe's last few movies and the JTT-less seasons of Home Improvement
- They probably said something about Jews in there. Don't know for sure, but we can all assume it.
- Local Qwikster stores will open all over the country and rent DVDs to people for three nights at a time.