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June 19, 2017

Salazar's got a new gig and lightning saves the day! 14 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'Fear The Walking Dead' S03E04 "100"

1) Salzy’s Stroll

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I enjoy sweeping cinematic shots of an old man limping around as much as the next guy, but I feel like we’re missing a key chunk of Salazar’s story. Specifically the part where we find out how Daniel escaped being completely engulfed in flames the last time we saw him. Oh well! I’m sure they’ll get to that sooner or later.

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“I’ll take ‘Drake Album Titles’ for 500, Alex.”

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“U up?”

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Run, Salazar! Phew! Close one. Nothing left to do but hide under a car and chuckle. Totally normal reaction to the circumstances.

2) New Amigo

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Salazar laughed so hard about almost dying that he got tired and had to take a quick laughter nap under a car. RELATABLE.

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“Quit pulling my leg.”

Uh, yeah he seems shakey! He almost got eaten and then the next thing he knows he’s getting dragged by some dude who has clearly seen Samuel L. Jackson’s Pulp Fiction murder speech one too many times. Does he REALLY say that before EVERY zombie he kills? Wow, that’s cute. People are so gosh darn cute at this stage of the apocalypse. I just want to pick them up and put them in my pocket they’re so cute!

3) Mal Water

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I don’t know about you, but when a dirty stranger takes me to an abandoned shopping center talking about 5pm Tuesday miracle water that might make you sick, I ask ZERO FUCKING QUESTIONS. That’s all I need to hear! My mouth is too full of potentially dangerous mystery water to bother with peky q’s.

4) Sal Pastor

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Daniel, that was very impolite to interrupt them while they’re talking about cutting your leg off in front of you. Where are your manners?! Remember when Daniel was shaving skin off that army dude’s arm in season one? Well, now he’s getting HIS skin shaved off! MY HOW THE SKIN SHAVING TABLES HAVE TURNED, FOLKS.

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Excuse me, miss. Do you take requests? Because I’m requesting you officially never sing that creepy fucking song ever again. Especially not while you’re sawing up Daniel Salazar like he’s a slab of prime rib at a Vegas Sunday brunch buffet.

5) Hypebeasts Of The Zombie Apocalypse

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Yoooo. These guys dress cooler than everyone I know. ZOMBIE SZN.

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“Priest? I’ve been many things. But I found my calling and it’s getting drunk as hell all the time.”

I like how they walk away at the end, still speaking Spanish, but there are no Spanish subtitles. Basically the show’s way of correctly assuming you’ve probably learned at least some Spanish by now.

6) …96?

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96? Daniel’s going to sit there and act like he ONLY killed 96 people? Does he mean since breakfast? What about all the VERY MANY HUNDREDS of soldiers he killed when he unleashed those zombies in season one? Also, we need a crossover episode with The Walking Dead so Daniel can give Carl a haircut. Get on it, AMC!

7) Salective Memory

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You don’t know how you escaped that burning room of certain death? Seriously? That’s the explanation? This is about as good as the Shaggy “it wasn’t me” defense, except I can’t dance to this so it’s not as good as Shaggy’s “it wasn’t me” defense at all. Seriously. How long are the writers meetings for this show? “Guys, let’s figure out how Salazar got out of that burning room. Seems like a tough situation to escape. Any ideas?” “…I don’t know.” “THAT IS PERFECT, STEVE! GREAT JOB. EVERYONE TAKE A HALF DAY AND DON’T COME IN TOMORROW EITHER BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT TO BURN OURSELVES OUT WITH TOO MANY AWESOME IDEAS AT ONCE.”

8) He Fell Asleep In The Middle Of Saying The Bad News

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Totally normal time to fall asleep mid-sentence. Oh well! I’m sure they’ll come back to this never.

9) Lightning Kill

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Hey, check it out! They moved the Los Angeles river to Mexico! Neato!

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Did they REALLY just kill that zombie with lightning?!? YES. YES THEY DID. JAJAJAJAJAJAJA. That’s Spanish for “HAHAHAHHAHA.”

10) DAM.

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I’m conflicted. This new job definitely sucks, but Salazar does look cute as heck in that new outfit. But cut the legs off, Salazar! Let those charred tree trunks breathe. ROMPER SZN.

11) Beef For Lunch

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Wow. Did that man just finger Salazar’s cake?!? Yes. Yes he did. Did that sentence unnecessarily sound a lot dirtier than what actually happened? You bet. Show this punk what happens to cake fingerers around these parts, Dan Man!

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JAJA. WAIT. How many motherfuckers did Salazar murder back in the day that everybody and their Tio knows about his murdering ways plus lip tattoo?! Must’ve had one hell of a career! Anyway, this shady dude in a suit who throws people off bridges seems nice and I’ve got a great feeling about all of this.

12) Wait. But IS Ophelia Alive? And Which One Is Ophelia?

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Seriously. I forget who Ophelia even is. Have we seen her once this season? Why is everyone on this show so forgettable? I didn’t recognize the lady who fixed Salazar’s leg when she showed up five minutes later. The only thing I know for certain is Strand is so bad at lying and will clearly say anything to save his ass and good for Daniel for picking up on it. “Ophelia’s alive! She’s waiting for you, back at the hotel. With Steely Dan! Ophelia and Steely Dan are at the hotel right now and if we leave soon they can make us pancakes for dinner! CHOCOLATE CHIP. PANCAKES. FOR DINNER WITH OPHELIA AND STEELY DAN, CHOP CHOP!”

13) Salazar’s Pep Talk

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Salazar, I’m not sure you whispering about how you’re going to punch his brain through his dick with your bare hands and then use a sledge hammer to relocate his dick brains into his shoes is bringing this gentleman any comfort in this trying time.


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DAAAAMN, DANIEL! Back at it again with the murder. Someone update the scoreboard, my man Salazar’s putting up numbers! I, for one, welcome our new leader. Mostly because that last guy was a dickhole. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Salazar give everyone at the dam free haircuts? You know it! Will Strand say whatever it takes to get out of jail? He’s got a bridge in Florida he’d like to sell you, as long as you promise not to throw him off of it. Will I remember who Ophelia is when she shows up? Possibly, but no promises! Most of the people on this show are about as memorable as room temperature tofu served on a paper plate. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S03E05 of Fear The Walking Dead!