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August 31, 2016
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If you look really closely, there are always a few general types of celebrities that pop up on DWTS.

It was announced today that former Texas Governor Rick Perry will be joining this year’s lineup of the 23rd (TWENTY THREE!) season of Dancing With the Stars! This follows one week ago Ryan Lochte signing on. Needless to say, I am so excited for this season! Beyond those two I have no idea which Stars will be paired up with professional dancers and praised for their willingness to “put themselves out there,” but I think I can guess!

If you look really closely, there are always a few general types of celebrities that pop up on DWTS. Here is an educated guess at the rest of the lineup based on the types of celebrities they always choose.


Government Person Who Should Be Ashamed Of Himself:

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Rick Perry!

Perry notoriously forgot one of the federal agencies he planned on eliminating if he was elected president and replied with a simple, human response of “oops.” For that he has been shamed into doing Dancing with the Stars to log government mandated smiling-on-camera-to-make-up-for-gaffs time.


Professional Athlete Who Should Be Ashamed Of Himself:

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Ryan Lochte!

We all know what Lochte did. Will dancing and showing off a fun loving, goofy personality make up for the international shame he has brought back to our once great nation? We look to Tom Bergeron, our moral center, for an answer…


Stand Up Comedian Who Should Be Ashamed Of Himself:

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Michael Richards!

It is time. America must lay their healing hands on Kramer’s skin, pale from the sunless days he’s spent since his “incident.“ We must heal him by dressing him in brightly colored costumes and forcing him to dance with a very athletic woman. All this to see if he has truly earned the American public’s forgiveness.


Former Child Actor Who Didn’t Age Well And For That, Should Be Ashamed Of Himself:

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Smalls from The Sandlot!

He’s older, less adorable, and get this: he got arrested. It doesn’t matter whether the American public knew that this happened or not, DWTS is the perfect place for him to “put himself out there” and earn back all the love we gave the sandy-haired dork who learned to play baseball in front of our very eyes.


Reality Star:

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Stephen (The one who slapped the curly haired lady)!

If America thinks really hard they will remember Stephen and then just a little more thinking will get them to HATE him all over again. Stephen will make things right. He will dance for us.


Non-Actor Artist:

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Annie Leibovitz!

Will America finally accept Annie Leibovitz as the Star she was always meant to be? Once again, we look to Tom Bergeron to make the call.


One Of The Jackasses:

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Chris Pontius!

Including a Jackass ensures that episodes will always have, at a bare minimum, a dude who puts a firecracker in his buttcrack, and that type of minimal amusement is so valuable.


Either Someone Who Was On Cheers Or On Wings:

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Helen from Wings!

There have already been a few Cheers stars on DWTS so it’s only fair that they choose someone from Wings this season. Helen is smart, she’s brassy, and I kind of remember a scene in a Wings episode where she does like classic dance maybe? America get ready to fall in love with Wings for the second time.


Philbin’s Choice:

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Regis!

At the height of America’s Regis-mania (Y2K) Regis Philbin had it put in his ABC contract that he gets to pick one contestant on each season of every reality show ABC produces into eternity, officially known as “Philbin’s Choice.” He usually just tries to pick himself but a pile of Doctor’s notes had forbidden that in the past. But this year is different, he found a doctor to clear him! It’s Regis time!

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