With a criminal case looming ahead, and more than fifty women accusing him of rape and or sexual assault, things could not look anymore bleak for America’s Dad, Bill Cosby. According to most news sources, there is a good chance that, if convicted, Cosby could spend the next ten years of his life behind bars. Of course, the man has money, a lot of money, and that will help him mount a very strong legal defense. Having said that, things still don’t look all that promising for the Cos. There are over half a hundred women accusing the once-revered funnyman of sexual misconduct and worse. There is audio of him admitting to giving women he had planned on having sex with Quaaludes. And, to make matters worse, he has Gloria Allred, the renowned courtroom shark, on his tail. It goes without saying, we have no clue how this drama is going to unfold, and what kind of verdict Mr. Cosby will get. However, if I were a betting man–and I admittedly am; I am degenerate gambler–then I would bet very heavily on Mr. Cosby receiving a guilty verdict at the end of his criminal trial.
And let’s face it: Prison’s not fun. I was once sent away to the big house for allegedly trying to fix some college basketball games. Those bastards had nothing on me. I was as clean as a whistle. But I still ended up having to do time. Hard time. In an eight-by-ten cell, with a three-hundred pound Buddhist with really bad gas as a cellmate.
The time lost behind bars was excruciating, and in between the beatings and the sexual assaults in the shower prison can be, at times, a painfully boring place.
Of course, I believe that Bill Cosby deserves punishment, for having allegedly sexually assaulted all those women. I, on the other hand, did not deserve the punishment, because I was innocent. That, however, fell on deaf years with the judge. But enough about me. Back to Cosby. The man probably is a predator, and, as I said, probably does deserve the full ten-year sentence–and then some more time, on top of that. However, as bad a person as Bill Cosby appears to be, I still don’t like the thoughts of him being bored in the big house. And so I have decided to compile this list of things for him to do, hobbies for The Cos to take up, to break the tedium of incarceration, while he’s behind bars.
Postage Stamp Collection:
Collecting stamps was a favorite pastime of mine, while I was behind bars. My favorites were the Elvis Presley, windy-skirt Marilyn Monroe and Martin Luther King Junior stamps. Stamp collections are not only a great time-waster, but they are also a good way to endear yourself to other hardened criminals in your cell block. I don’t care how hardened these criminals are. If they’re about to beat you, or worse, all you have to do is pull out a vintage Martin Luther King Jr. or John Barrymore stamp… Collect more and more stamps, never stop. Limit your already limited commissary money, and stash it away for more gems you can add to your collection. You’ll be the toast and talk of the town, I swear.
Yes, sir! Push-ups are an excellent way to stay in shape, while confined behind bars. And, as I have noticed with Mr. Cosby, he’s more than a little bit flabby around the stomach and tits section. A good fifty push-ups a day will not only help keep Mr. Cosby in shape, they will also help kill some time. So what are you waiting for, Mr. Cosby? Drop and give me fifty. And, please, don’t even think you’re going to get away with doing them grandma-style!
After Mr. Smelly Farts Buddhist was sent away to a halfway house, my next cellmate was this guy named “Verne” who was a former heroin pusher turned Mormon elder. He had discovered the Book of Mormon after he was working in the prison library one day. He had ended up reading the Mormon Bible, cover-to-cover, a dozen times within a few weeks. I could always see him above my bunk, lying on his, reading. After awhile, Verne started reading the Book of Mormon to me too, in between back-rubs. Hey, nothing seriously sexual was going on. My trapezius muscle was always just a little sore, is all. In any event, I started to get strong in the Mormon religion too, and I attended church services, inside the big house, alongside my newfound buddy and personal masseur, Verne. Mr. Cosby, you too might want to consider conversion to the Mormon religion while on the inside. Of course, you don’t have to believe it. I didn’t believe it. Adam and Eve were native Americans. I mean, C'mon. Regardless of the religion being totally whack, the stories were outrageously entertaining, and time spent at church was, once again, another great method to combat boredom.
Let’s face it–prison isn’t the friendliest place on Earth for geriatric serial rapists with affinities for creepy-looking “Hello, Friend!” sweatshirts. If Cosby wants to make it on the inside, without getting beaten to a bloody pulp, then he will have to do something to endear himself to the other prisoners. Perhaps–and I shudder to think of this–he might have to descend to smuggling contraband into the prison, just to prove himself to the other hardened criminals he might be spending the next ten years of his life living around. With a few a dollars hush money for the guards, Mr. Cosby could very easily smuggle “goodies”–candy, cigarettes, prescription pills, crack cocaine–into the general population. Taking into consideration Mr. Cosby’s huge bank account–assuming the legion of accusers won’t have already taken him to the cleaners by then–I believe he’d have no problem paying a few disgruntled guards off. The only downside is, unfortunately, The Cos might have to smuggle the contraband in rectally. That’s gotta hurt, Billy boy.
There you have it: A list of four things Mr. Cosby could do on in prison, if he is convicted, to make the time fly.