Throughout my life, there has been one question that looms over my head- one question that haunts me with every radio station playing of “Sweetness” or “A Praise Chorus.” That question is whether or not Jimmy has eaten the world yet. So now, I stand here on the verge of a breakdown asking: “Hey Jimmy, have you eaten the world yet?”
This question has been in the back of my mind since the 1994 release of your self-titled album. I was a pre-teen then, and lost A LOT of sleep when Bobby, a classmate way cooler than I, casually mentioned the new underground album he found. Bobby didn’t know it then, but he spurred a four-year stint of therapy for me because I assumed all Jimmy’s were cannibals who played guitar and sang. Also I’ll take this time to once again publicly apologize to Jimmy Smith, who happened to go to my middle school and play the Battle of the Bands- Cannibal Jimmy is not a fun nickname to be branded with by the police.
I don’t know you, Jimmy (of Jimmy Eat World fame- not Cannibal Jimmy), but in these uncertain times I’ve found myself once again losing sleep over whether or not you’ve eaten the world yet. You’ve never specified how much of the world you would eat, so you may’ve eaten a few people in a small town off the radar or a plot of farmland that people wouldn’t notice was gone and WE’D NEVER KNOW! Maybe you ate one of those stress balls shaped like the world, or a rare fruit that was just discovered in Indonesia called “Worldfruit.” Oh dear God- I think I hear claws scratching at my basement door now…are you down there waiting to eat ME, Jimmy? Am I metaphorically YOUR WORLD? I hope not, as we’ve never met.
Look Jimmy- I’m kind of freaking out over here, because what if you’ve been hiding in a basement studio this whole time, releasing quality music and also waiting for the perfect time to plan that giant meal that your band name implies? If so,all of that therapy was in vain and I never should’ve trusted Dr. Shambomb. What if, all of this time, this is what they meant in the Bible when they mentioned the Apocalypse?I have a sneaking suspicion that the four horsemen could easily be you, Jim Adkins, along with rhythm guitarist and vocalist Tom Linton, bassist Rick Burch and drummer Zach Lind. Also, are they going to eat the world too? Or are you, Jim Adkins, going to turn around and eat them one day when they least expect it and when you decide it’s time for a solo career? I’d be worried if I were them.
Even though I thought I was way past this fearful phase- it’s 2017 and Trump’s America now,so I’m leaving no stone unturned and your band name has some BIG implications. Surely it can’t be just a cool band name you chose- I’m convinced there are bigger implications here. If you HAVEN’T eaten the world yet, maybe you were thinking about it but consciously decided not to eat the world until 2020 because it’ll leave a bad taste in your mouth now. Just a theory of mine, because I haven’t slept in three months and this is taking over my life.
I will finish up this letter with a plea- could you please e-mail me and just drop a line letting me know if you did, in fact, eat the world yet? And if you didn’t, could you at least tell me the exact date/time/location you plan on doing so? I’d just like to make sure to keep myself and my loved ones far away, and to stop worrying about when this atrocity will happen. I’ve been on edge since 1994, and it’s mostly because your band name leaves me in a constant state of terror.
Aubrie “Eat Food” Williams