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February 08, 2012

So you have a bachelors degree...but can you plunge a toilet?

Unlike my previous writings, I can take no credit for the genius below. However, I did have the forward thinking to write it down and post it here.

Background: I am a maintenance guy for college students.

The Downside: College students are, by a staggering majority, dumb. Many of the work orders which come across our desks are either ridiculous or could be fixed by the tenants themselves with some critical thinking and problem solving.

Things the university claims to be teaching them...I plead the 5th in this regard.

My boss is one of the funniest men I’ve ever met; his sense of humor has gotten us through the day many times over. I found some old work orders on his desk yesterday, and for the good of us all he’d written some notes which I’m sure he meant no one else to see.

So I stole them.



Work Order: sliding glass door needs to be replaced because it’s cloudy.

Boss: Wait for a sunny day

Work Order: Heat not working, says Nicor

Boss: Fuck off, says me

Work Order: Back door broken
Boss: use front

Work Order: Kitchen sink broken

Boss: Use dishwasher

Work Order: Garbage disposal needs work

Boss: A lot of things around here need work, like my paycheck.

Work Order: Garbage disposal

Boss: Bomb disposal

Work Order: Blinds in the left bedroom are broken
Boss: Get a job, dude.

Work Order: Mailbox door is stuck to Mailbox

Boss: My ass is stuck to this chair

Work Order: Doesn’t know how to re-hang paintings, puddle in bathroom, pantry door doesn’t work.

Boss: Go to picture hanging class, stop peeing on bathroom floor, keep fat ass out of pantry

Work Order: Large gap between carpet and wall.

Boss: Large gap between your ears

Work Order: Caulk window, Jim said he was going to do it. Make sure we do not remove this item until we confirm with Jim that it is done or until (Boss) does it.

Boss: I’m not doing it and Jim talks to himself.

Work Order: Fridge does not close without force

Boss: May the force be with you

Work Order: Microwave plate missing

Boss: Call lost and found

Work Order: Having a bug problem

Boss: Yea? You’re bugging me asshole!

Work Order: Outlet in right bedroom is not working.

Boss: Not many jobs out there…I’m lucky to be working

Work Order: Doesn’t have a mailbox key

Boss: Break-in asap boys!

Work Order: Heating unit has a leaking pipe

Boss: I have a smoking pipe…maybe if you had one you’d be happier and wouldn’t call me so much.