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Published June 13, 2013

Spielberg Prophesizes on Film Industry Implosion

LOS ANGELES, CA (Chafed News) – While speaking to students at the University of Southern California (USC), famed movie director Steven Spielberg predicted the “implosion” of the film industry.  Spielberg said many factors will lead to the inevitable implosion, including the financial failures of big budget movies and the rise of free internet video services such as YouTube.  “The film industry is fucked,” Spielberg told the crowd of over one thousand students.  “When giant, megabudget films like “Life After Earth,” or whatever that shitty movie Will Smith just put out, fails as horribly as it did- real live dollars are lost which really pisses off studio executives.”  Spielberg went on to say: “If you think you dummies got a rat’s ass chance of making it in the film biz, you got another thing coming.  In fact, if you don’t have a mother, or father, or uncle, or someone you’re closely related to already working in this industry who can hand you a job, you can forget about doing anything aside from make stupid YouTube videos which I can all but guarantee nobody but your stupid family is gonna watch.  I hate to be all doom and gloom, but that’s just the facts of the matter, and I don’t want to bull shit you kids.”  Spielberg later added: “I’d recommend studying something with more of a future- anything.  Except political science, ‘cause Lord knows that’s just as worthless as studying film.”

Phillip Costwell, a second year film student said Spielberg’s presentation was “disheartening.”  “He (Spielberg) like totally depressed the hell out of me.  I thought I sort of had a chance in the (film) industry, but now… I don’t know.”  When asked if he planned on continuing his pursuit of a film degree, Costwell said: “Oh, hell yeah.  In what other (degree) program do your courses involve watching movies and making a whole bunch of stupid films with your classmates?  Studying film is super fun and I have no intentions of studying anything real, like science, or engineering or some dorky shit like that.  Those degrees are like, really hard and honestly, I’m really shitty at math so, I’m gonna stick with film.”

USC film professor, Mary Adtonovich, said, while Spielberg may be correct in his assertions, his statements lacked a certain decorum expected from such an influential figure.  “You don’t come to present to a bunch of impressionable aspiring film makers, hoping to make it big in the (film) industry and say, ‘A shit storms a-brewin’.’  That’s just not cool.”  Adtonovich added, “We all know Spielberg is right about the collapse of the film industry as we know it.  Too many shitty big budget movies have really fucked things up.  But, if these kids wise up and stop studying film, well then I’ll have to start teaching English or Philosophy or something real boring like that, and would really suck.”

Spielberg is currently working on an undisclosed project in Kenya, because as he puts it, “It a hell of a lot cheaper to film in a third world country than it is Hollywood.  That’s for damn sure.”

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