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www.stateoftheweek.ca, http://dylan-rhymer.thestandupcomedians.com/

Stats & Data

November 28, 2012

"if you find a lower advertised price due to a 3d world textile death inferno, we'll match it at the register. That's the Walmart lower price guarantee!"


A fire engulfed a garment factory in Bangladesh, killing at least 112 people in the building without emergency exits and Walmart is passing the savings onto you, said Walmart spokesman Colon Brinkus. 

“Our everyday low prices were a result of inhuman factory conditions overseen by corrupt, easily-purchased puppet regimes. But now that the Tazreen Textile Factory is closed for business, we have thousands of name brand garments are available at even lower prices! We have slightly smoky-smelling or lightly singed garments for sale at even lower prices. Just in time for the holidays.”


“Look at this!” said Brinkus from the aisle of an area Walmart “These are name brand khakis with minimal blood splatter only $8.99! Nothing a big shrug and a little bleach won’t take care of. Baby clothes with footprints on them? $1.99! Women’s bras that were tied together to fashion a crude rope in a failed attempt to lower themselves off the roof of the burning factory? $2.99 each or $20.00 for the whole string! That’s just another example of Walmart’s ceaseless and morally ambiguous commitment to the consumer.”

Brinkus added; “You’ll be stampeding into Walmart the same way those workers trampled each other trying to escape the blaze! In fact, if you find a lower advertised price due to a Third World textile death inferno, we’ll match it at the register. That’s the Walmart lower price guarantee!”  

” Raising prices on our loyal customers? That would be the real tragedy.”

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB