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June 04, 2011

(1) What would you rather be?

Steel Worker


Road Worker

  What wouldn't I rather be.  Both jobs get paid for 60 hour weeks and both jobs work a combined 8 hours every week.  The road worker gets overtime, a tidy salary, great benefits, and a killer tan on the job (Literally, they will die from skin cancer at a very young age).  The coolest part about working these publicly subsidized unnecessary sink-hole jobs, is that you get to hang out and shoot the shit with 30 of your buddies every day.  Sometimes you'll even get paid overtime to talk about the Mets and listen to "This American Life" on NPR.  The only prerequisite is that you know how to stand in the sun and look hot.  Pros: Great tan and hangin' with buds.  Cons: Skin cancer

  Steelworkers live the American dream.  Four hour days with a two hour lunch in the middle.  Where does a steelworker do lunch you ask?  The nearest bar.  And by lunch I mean several tall boys and a few shots of Jameson.  It makes perfect sense to me.  If you're going to be 50 stories above Manhattan, you might as well be shitfaced.  Alcohol gives you courage and it makes the day go by quicker.  Now if you're a crane operator I'd rather you kept it to beer only.  Those things can get a little dicey.

Pros:  Great hours and drinking on the job  Cons:  Alcoholism



(2)  Where would you rather work?

Taco Bell


The Streets

  Would I rather cook fake meat in a rat-infested shithole or would I rather suck dick for money.  Being a straight man, I think, I would have to go with Taco Bell by the slimmest of margins.  If I was a dick man I would hands down go with prostitution.  There is no upside to working in Taco Bell.  The sky is not the limit.  Most likely, you will make enough money to get by, until some unfortunate event spirals you into bankruptcy.  But hey, it won't burn when you pee and you won't have warts on your pussy and dick.

  What's the advantage of selling your body on the streets? You get to meet tons of new and interesting people.  If you can overlook the frequent physical and mental abuse and avoid the common trap of drug addiction, you can make a tidy living.  You've gotta have some business savvy though.  I'm not talking "west-side highway tranny sucking dick for rock hooker".  I'm talking "upper east side, client 9, in call, wall street type gig hooker".  I just talked myself into prostitute.


(3)  Who loves to tell you about their job?




  Look at these assholes.  So you just missed getting the part, or you got the part, or you have to get the part, or you deserved the part, or you nailed the audition, or blew the audition.  Here is an inside tip for all the actors out there.  Nobody gives a fuck.  They couldn't care less, unless you become famous, then they'll definitely care and want tons of free shit.  So under no circumstance does it behoove you to ever talk about it.  Tell it to your therapist (who will be nodding his head, understanding what you're "going through", while really thinking about how annoying and stupid you are).  You know what the difference between Jake Gylennuts and a good looking local theater guy is?  Nothing.  Luck.  You don't get to the top by being good, you get there by being lucky or sucking a lot of dicks.  Start blowin'.

(4)  What's the sexiest job?



Construction Worker

  Boomtown!!!  They both sport glistening abs and they get shit done.  Construction workers build the shit you live in.  If it wasn't for these guys, you'd be living in a tent or under a bridge.  Obviously, you'll run into the overweight alcoholic carpenter, but hey, that's the trade off for those abs.  Look at those things.  Those are worth ten drunk carpenters.

  Fireman are even better.  On the sexiness level it's just about a tie, but these dudes save lives.  What's better than saving lives and being sexy?  Nothing.  That should be every one's goal.  Here too, you will run into the raging alcoholic red faced Irish Fireman, but that guy is sexy in his own way.

Fireman, because he saves lives and looks sexy doing it

(5) Who would you rather see thrown into a "Running Man" scenario?  (The "Running Man" is a game show where people get hunted for sport and die in really awesome ways like decapitation)

Famous Actor


Wall Street Executive

  I think actors are pretty ridiculous in how important they think they are, but they are generally not scumbags.  Wall Street Execs are nothing if not scumbags.  There's a few super rich philanthropic dudes like Warren Buffett, George Soros, and Bill Gates who make a real difference, but the other 99% give charitably for tax purposes only.  This 99% of shitheads is also the less the 1% that runs this country and they're patiently waiting to fuck you in the ass again.  So my answer is Wall Street Executive, and I would be perfectly happy with a "Buzzsaw" style, chainsaw to the nuts death.

Wall Street