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August 11, 2010

If you ever wanted to be rich, you should probably read this.

I’ll just say what everybody is thinking: nobody likes Mark Zuckerberg.

First of all, the guy looks like he’s had a six-month long love affair with a bag of Cheetos. What is up with all of the world’s richest people having the physique of a high school janitor? I know you can afford all of the food in the world, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat it. Even Steve Jobs only lost weight because he had a liver transplant. And he’s supposed to be the hip one. How about instead of buying a jet that runs on infant blood you hire a personal trainer three times a week? You lazy sacks.

Second of all, Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook. And let’s get one thing straight: everybody hates Facebook. I know you think you like it, but you’re wrong. Facebook is just another time wasting drug offered by the dealer that is the Internet. Like any drug, it’s fine if it’s used within reason. Then again, if crack were used within reason I wouldn’t need to be afraid of being mugged at three in the morning by people who sold their fingernails for a fix. A dealer is a dealer. Facebook doesn’t hurt anyone, but it doesn’t help anyone either. Unless you’re using it to reconnect with people you knew in high school so you can jack off to their profile pictures. Then it works great.

And finally, he made money with something stupid and he made it very, very fast. We all want money. Money means never having to worry about anything ever again. You can waste time and work on your “big project.” Maybe your project is a book of poetry. Maybe it’s to go back to school and get your art history degree. Maybe you want to launch an orbiting satellite laser that automatically obliterates any car alarm that has been going off for more than 30 seconds. I dunno, man. It’s your billion, not mine.

We all want to make a billion dollars overnight. But life keeps upping the fucking ante. Inventions used to be easy. Like checkers. I could invent checkers in like five minutes. And back then there wasn’t anything like a billion dollars to kick around. Back then the equivalent for a billion dollars was like a week’s worth of grain. People were just inventing shit left and right. “My feet hurt.” “Put something on your feet so they don’t hurt. I call them shoes.” “If only someone would invent a soft cloth you could put on your feet before you put them in this shoe so it wouldn’t chafe.” “Hang on, bro, I got you covered.” It was fucking ridiculous.


But like all good things (football season, the World Cup, running as fast as you can toward the President), the Age of Easy Inventions came to an end. We moved onto the Age of Kind of Tricky Inventions, such as the blast furnace and the sheep skin condom, to the Age of Super Hard Inventions, such as the assembly line and the Civil War. Now we’re into the Age of “Goddamnit This Had Better Be Good, I Was Watching Hulu” Inventions. Thing that are so mind-blowing that if it didn’t come out of a Ray Bradbury novel we don’t want anything to do with it.


I’ve done the basic math (i.e., fell asleep while trapped in a hammock), and it turns out there are only two inventions left that will make a billion dollars overnight. And I bet you think you know what the first one is. Well, you’re wrong. It isn’t time travel, and I’m going to tell you why.


The very instant that someone invents time travel, their main competitor is going to travel back from the future in order to kill them and steal it. Once the competitor has killed the original inventor, the competitor’s competition is going to travel back in time to kill him. It doesn’t matter that he knows someone is going to come after him because he can’t stop it. When you have a time machine, you can try as many times as you like. It’s like playing Pacman with infinite lives and whenever the ghosts touch you they explode into quarters. At some point, whoever has stolen the idea for time travel is going to get it in the back of the head. Maybe even from themselves. Who knows?


So stop wasting your life trying to figure out time travel. And when someone does figure out time travel, try to ignore the constant carousel of death that will be reported in the news. No, what you gotta do is focus on either cold fusion or bed wetting technology.


Cold fusion is going to make the world kick so much ass. Think of the possibilities! You’ll be able to heat up an instant burrito in less than a second! You could probably blow up something really big! There are probably some others in there as well, but I can’t really think of any. I guess we’d end our dependence on oil, but that’s second place to super burritos. When has something so delicious been available so quickly? Never, that’s who!


But you probably can’t invent that shit unless you’re some kind of scientist. I assume that it’s pretty difficult or they would have done it already. That’s probably why they’re building all of these crazy fucking machines that slam protons into other protons. Maybe that has something to do with it. But who knows. They discovered penicillin because some asshole didn’t clean up his orange. Maybe we just need some kind of accident. What I’m saying is, if somebody who reads this wants to shove a couple of pipe bombs into a couple of super colliders, you won’t get any guff from me.


What you need to focus on working on is bed wetting technology. I know you’re reading that sentence and going, “What a wackjob.” Unless you’ve got one of those pee fetishes. In which case, stop reading this, because I hate you. But believe me when I say that bed wetting technology is the wave of the future. Let me describe a familiar scenario:


You’re lying in bed on a Saturday morning. It’s the first day of your weekend and you are sleeping in. Even if Jesus himself landed in your bedroom and told you that you were the second Messiah, you’d tell him to call you after brunch. But then it happens. At first, it’s almost undetectable, like a cat hair stuck on Chewbacca. Make no mistake, it is there. It is there and it is coming. You have to pee.


Now you’ve got a difficult series of decisions to make. Do you get up and deal with it immediately or do you tough it out? If you get up and deal with it, you’re going to be woken up. This isn’t same middle of the night piss that will come and go. This is a morning piss. This is the first major pressure relief of the day. It is going to wake you up. Once you piss there is no going back. Sure, you can get back into bed, but it’s not going to be the same and you know it. It’s like eating a saltine during a hunger strike and claiming it was “just a snack.” Sorry, buddy. It’s over.


So you sit and you wait. You wait and you wait and you wait. Thinking for some stupid reason that it is going away. But it isn’t going anywhere. It’s just going to get stronger and stronger and you’re going to need to use more of your mental faculties to stop it from happening. Finally, when you can’t take it anymore, you get up and piss. Now you’re up. You might as well have gotten up ten minutes ago and gone jogging. It would have been just as unpleasant.

Now imagine a world where this wasn’t a problem. Imagine a world when you could feel the urge to piss your bed and just let it go. Like Neo. Except instead of fighting the Matrix, you’d be pissing your bed. Imagine absorbent suction systems that would take the pee out of your mattress and a sophisticated filtration system that would turn it into your morning coffee. Like in Waterworld! Imagine. Maybe when John Lennon wrote that stupid song about tolerance, it was really about wanting to take a mean piss while you slept.


Anyway, that’s it for my keynote speech. Thanks for coming out. Maybe someday you’ll be as successful as me. With your own blog and everything. Radical.