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September 12, 2008
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Not many of you who know me so it stands to say that you have never actually had the opportunity to sit down with me and have a conversation about something and if we were odds are it'd be about nothing but the music I listen to or movies I watch or my shitty taste in either. The rare few of you who've been lucky enough to sit across from me and listen to my ramblings know that sometimes albeit rarely and more times then not, drunkingly, I do have something to say. Doug Stanhope has created a fund to help pay for the abortion of Vice President Elect, Sarah Palin's daughters medically retarded, unborn child. Now Doug Stanhope's website sponsors a well written plea for Bristol Palin to do what she feels as an individual is right for her instead of yielding to the whims of millions of conservative Republicans.

When the issue of abortion is brought up I often side with Maddox. It's a very quick answer that seems to cover all the bases.

"So Brad, what's your opinion on shmishmortion?"

"Don't have one."

The equivalent of the, "Looking for a safe stance on abortion? Me neither," along the lines of, "I'm not concerned with it because I'm a guy." Let's face it, no male would ever be able to fully cope with the idea of abortion because we're incapable of conceiving. Our emotional ties to an unborn child (assuming we're in theory talking about a child that's ours) are something far more different then what the woman sometimes goes through or may go through. Sure as a man we may grieve the loss of a life, the loss of something we helped create and some of us, well, some of us can rationalize the decision as it being for the best, be it for the child itself, the well being of the mother or the relationship that's between the man and woman while a few of us will treat the situation as nothing more then a mistake.

The truth is I do have a stance.

I feel abortion is acceptable in certain circumstances.

That's it.

I'm not about to draw lines or make a manual that's as thick as a D&D Monsters Guide that's going to explain the in's and out's of why I feel it should be acceptable. That's simply my stance and I regret keeping it to myself for fear of ridicule or being told I somehow condone murder. I'd actually be insulted if it wasn't for the fact that the very people who'd tell me how I felt was wrong also feel dinosaurs existed four thousand years ago -- or not at all. The whole thing that spurred this? The fact that the Republican party is so willingly using a young, unwed woman's life to their advantage or as an example. Sure all life is precious but has anyone stopped to consider what this young woman may want to do? Is it at all possible that this child could be born into a poor environment, that it'll be treated like the mistake it is? Why make a child suffer through the emotional pain of knowing it wasn't meant to be when it's a tad more humane to see it's hypothetical soul be reprocessed for another birth when it can't by medical definition, feel any pain at all?

Intentionally off topic, Sarah Palin opposes homosexual marriage, right? Isn't one of John McCain's daughters a lesbian? Does McCain's daughter get an exception card or is Sarah Palin just a hypocrite? Just curious.

Maybe I like Obama because he promises better foreign relations. Maybe I'd rather not see the sequel to, "The Cold War" especially while we've got Hugo Chavez threatening to cease all sales of crude oil to the United States which from what I've read he estimates will send barrels up to $200.00 dollars. Can we not pay five bucks for a gallon? Please? What if I begged, would that make a difference or would you prefer I sacrifice my first born? I don't even know if Obama is right for the job. The Wu-Tang Clan have yet to officially endorse his candidacy.

I make light of American politics because I can and this in no way means I don't respect those who do take politics seriously, just not my thing, not my cup of tea and if it were it'd be far too stale for my tastes. Like how some people can drink warm lager but since I drink Guinness I'm almost certain I'd vomit if I drank it warm.

I'm afforded the freedom of writing about my views because I myself am a peon. It's a facade I use as much as Harry Potter uses his invisibility cloak to spy on Ron and Harmonie and it gives me this ability to say what I want because "I don't know any better," and some of you may even think me publicly revealing this somehow forces a degree of responsibility for my words but to those people I simply say, "Psft" which is more of a noise then a word.

I never intended to make this post very political so I'll announce how I believe we should elect a President.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

The OLOPCLARP!

The (O)fficial (L)eague (O)f (P)residential (C)andidant (L)ive (A)ction (R)ole (P)laying.

Now I know what you might be asking yourself. You're asking, "But what is OLOPCLARP?" and I'll tell you. The OLOPCLARP is the act of fictional war between two guilds (names of factions subject to change); Ye Olde Mules and Elephants of War. Naturally, if you're a role-player say D&D or World of Darkness you'd find yourself gravitating to "the Elephants of War" depending on what kind of player you are because, let's face it, that's a badass name and you consider yourself a badass right? But you also should have enough knowledge to know that a badass name isn't going to truly make you badass or that guild a badass guild. It just looks good and you may find that it lacks substance or integrity in the end. This my friends, is the future of election in our grand nation.

The guilds will get together at a park picked by a neutral party and instead of a lame "debate" filled with words that have some of us picking up a dictionary they will instead pick up mighty foam weapons and small tiny marbles and proceed to wage battle. The "debate" will be known as a "skirmish," and it'll be one of many. Instead of waging a war of words surrounding issues, Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates will lead their guilds into a fantastical fake battle of retarded proportions!

There are many classes to choose from and for the sheer fact I'm lazy we'll be using old D&D rules. None of that new bologna, we're not about to shell out another $22.95 for rule revisions and additions when the old format is just as good god damn it. A neutral party will consist of one member from MSNBC, one member from Fox News with each member being supervised by Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart while Mr. Colbert and Mr. Stewart will be supervised by Lewis Black. These five members of the neutral party will be kept in check by, "the keepers." These individuals will be in charge of character sheets and rule keeping. We geeks know them as, "DM's" or "Dungeon Masters." The two guilds will choose twelve members to stand behind their Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates and personally if I were Obama I'd make sure I had Ted Kennedy by my side. The current President and Vice President will stand by and observe the battle. The first winner of five "skirmishes" out of seven will earn the right to see their Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates take on the current "bosses" who are, you guessed it, the current President and Vice President.

If the current "bosses" are left unchecked, then the losing guild will have to wait one month before they can challenge the guild again. If there are new "bosses" then those bosses rule for four years until the opposing guild gets the opportunity to challenge them.

I really like this idea and soon an instructional video will be released.

Let's cross our fingers and hope "Olopclarp'ing" is the way to go in '12!

PS: I'm aware of the whole "voting" thing being left out. Don't worry, I'll think of something.

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