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April 24, 2015
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Time to focus on on what's important.

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Writer: Soda Boy

“Brown soda, clear soda, pink soda pop
I love my soda, my soda a lot.”

It’s a phrase I repeat to myself every morning when I wake up, and now, as California’s drought continues to strangle our water supply, these words have taken on more urgency than ever before. We know what the drought means for our crops, for our lakes. But I think, in all the hubub surrounding the drought, people have overlooked a crucial fact: soda is made from water too.

No water. No soda. Am I the only one who’s worried about this?

When we waste water, we are quite literally robbing ourselves of soda. I know these words sting but we must believe them. That extra fifteen minutes you spent in the shower this morning? You just threw a dozen Dr. Peppers in the garbage. How many different flavors are there in Dr. Pepper, thirty? I’m the world’s top soda boy and even I don’t know. There are so many mysteries surrounding Dr. Pepper that we may never uncover if we don’t slow water consumption now.

And don’t get me started on bottled water. Companies like Arrowhead are bottling water from within regions hit hardest by the drought. This is completely irresponsible. And when we drink their bottled water, we’re part of the problem. Not to mention, we’re missing out on a clutch opportunity to drink soda.

(This has actually been a problem for me even before the drought. Drinking water in any form, bottled or no, is idiotic. Marathon runners should drink Pepsi because it would give them energy to win the race. Olympic swimmers should swim in Pepsi, too. I’d like to see a lot more soda being used instead of water all over the place.)

But I’m getting away from my main point, which is this: soda supplies in California could reach a critical low very soon, and yet, it seems like nobody’s talking about it. I see people at the supermarket all the time, blissfully buying up all the Sprite as if there wasn’t a soda drought going on at all. And let me be clear: they should continue buying Sprite. In fact, they should buy it even more. Never in a million years would I ever discourage anyone from buying and drinking that tasty tasty Sprite. They just need to recognize that their days of carefree Sprite drinking are numbered if they don’t reduce water usage, and fast.

How do we combat the soda drought? Well, we can start by changing the dialogue. Keep saying things like, “The New Melones reservoir is at a record-low level of 25 percent full,” and try getting a guy like me to conserve. Spoiler alert: you won’t. Start saying, “Our Lemon Soda reservoir is down to 25 percent,” and suddenly, my ears are perking up. I know it’s dishonest, but sometimes we have to lie to get people fired up. Especially when soda is at stake.

Also, one of California’s biggest reservoirs is called Shasta Lake. Use that. Shasta Cola is the best.

Read my lips: I will not raise my kids in a California where there is no soda. I’d rather sterilize myself than do that.

Soda is the elixir of life. It’s truly better than anything else. And when I look at the crisis soda is facing right now, I cannot help but cry. My tears fall right into my soda glass and I drink them down with my soda. I drink every soda as if it were my last, because if something doesn’t change soon, it might well be.

This isn’t just a water drought we’re talking about. It’s also a soda drought. And we need to recognize that before it’s too late.

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