Dear Principal Marshall,
As of today I am officially resigning from the post of freshmen and juniors Language Arts Teacher from Merryweather High School.
There are many reasons why I am submitting my letter of resignation which include student behavior, curriculum choices and my own personal issues, some of which will be outlined below.
However, my reasons might be best summarized by William Shakespeare and one of his more poignant quotes from The Tempest. A play whose opening scene in many respects mirrors the average day for an educator in a public high school:
“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”
For starters, ever since this institution became a “football school,” it’s been completely out of control and the players are a terror to the students who actually care about receiving an education.
When many of these former players are serving 10-15 for assault, after having learned no social restraint and thinking it’s okay to beat people down in a parking lot as long as they win football games, at least they’ll be able to tell their cellmate/lover that they beat “The Cougars” in the homecoming game.
Next, I highly recommend you ban ipods on campus. If I were to catch one more kid secretly listening to Maroon 5 songs instead of my lecture, I was literally going to throw him through the window. That’s like being given the choice between filet mignon and a crap sandwich and picking the crap sandwich because the kid saw it featured on The MTV.
Speaking of choices, I would also like to commend the district on their choice of required reading materials, insuring that the kids become so programmed to hate reading that they become borderline illiterate for life.
Depending on your perspective, this is not necessarily a bad thing, considering some of their job options will consist of uttering the phrases, “Thank you for coming to Kentucky Fried Chicken. Please come and see us again.” and: “Thank you Mister Manager Sir for my Chuck E. Cheese mouse uniform and this opportunity. I won‘t let you down.”
Thus, here are some of my opinions/synopses/reviews of some of these so called “classics:”
Beowulf - repressed homosexual body builder on steroids fights this “inner dragon” while we have to read it all in excruciating Anglo Saxon/Old English, while no one pays attention.
Sir Gawain and The Green Knight - dumbest story ever included in the high school curriculum. These kids are inundated by sex on the internet and blood splattered all over the multiplex weekly. They’re not really going to be impressed by a green spectral knight who carries his mutilated head in his hand. Oooohhh Scary.
The Great Gatsby - condescending guy narrates a story about a bunch of other condescending people in eighteenth century England or some other haughty condescending setting.
Don’t I have enough to deal with at home with Randy without reading some of the most boring literature in the history of the world? Who’s Randy you ask? He’s my deadbeat roommate who never has rent money but somehow has money for case after case of Mountain Dew, giant bags of weed and to purchase his own personal copy of Mrs. Doubtfire on DVD.
All the while, he’s chain smoking his Camel Lights and playing Play Station hockey all day (go Detroit Red Wings).
By the way, the only reason I found Randy on Craigslist is because of my meager salary. Surprisingly, I cannot afford a luxurious one bedroom apartment all on my own.
Finally, during my annual review you claimed I had trouble getting along with my co-workers and rarely had lunch in the teacher’s lounge. This is because I’d rather get hit over the head repeatedly with an aluminum baseball bat than discuss a recap of that week’s Grey’s Anatomy or American Idol.
Speaking of my review, just so you’re aware, I was completely hungover during that meeting after partying with two Hooters girls and paying for their drinks all night. Why did I come into work? All my vacation days were already used and I’ve still got to pay for the night before even if the “awesome Fajita Pita Poppers” were two dollars off during reverse happy hour .
Believe me, Gummy Bear shots are not affordable on a teacher‘s salary.
And with that I bid adieu. Good luck with all your future endeavors. I’m sure with your level of incompetence you will have no problem continuing to ruin multiple people’s lives.
Doug P. Hartmon