Tuesday 11/29, 4:00 PM - I think besides being amongst the greats when it comes to college football coaches, Urban Meyer has also shown through the years that he is fucking terrible at keeping secrets. The absolute worst. I would only tell that guy shit that I would expect to reach the ears of others only minutes thereafter. So yeah, he's the new coach at Ohio State. I'm glad he got 10-15 years of family time all wrapped up and taken care of in an impressive two years. Congratulations sir. But back to grown-up talk. Playoffs. It's why everyone signed up for this shit. You gotta be in it to win it, and week 12 just about summed up what teams will be in it and what teams will simply look to play seeding spoiler. Last week we went 1-for-4 on predictions, but something told me we'd do better in week 12 (especially considering the fact that we couldn't get much shittier than last week). Did anyone see that Broncos game? Tebow just about confirmed one of the three cases that we presented the other week. The problem is that we don't know which one it is. Ah, the mystery that is St. Timothy Tebow of Greater Denver. Well, in the words of the late great Chicago White Sox broadcast announcer Hawk Harrelson, "Sit back, relax, and strap it down!" Oh...he's still alive?
RAMRODS-W (5-7, 8th) -- *AUTOMATIC WIN* (RR: 172pts.)
The last thing we said about this team was "fucked," and we may still be right. But we might..just might..be wrong. J*** C******'s RamRods still have an opportunity to clinch the sixth and final playoff spot with a win next week, but more on that in this Thursday's ATL. The RamRods racked up big points with solid contributions from both sides of the ball, even despite zero points from receiver Denarius Moore and IDP Michael "Who??" Boley. The lack of points from those two spots didn't affect the outcome of this *automatic win* week, obviously, but it may come back to haunt him. C****** ought to thank CANT WAIT owner E***** S****** for taking care of AK-47 this week, but he probably won't because he's an ungrateful asshole.
JACK D ROCKS-W (4-8, 9th) v. MY NINJAS-L (6-6, 7th) (JDR: 167pts. - MN: 137pts.)
Our prediction was JDR (+7), and what else did we say? I believe we called this matchup our upset alert of the week, and yep..upset bitches. Not only did S** C*******'s JDR club win with the points, but he tied CANT WAIT owner E***** S****** with this week's largest margin of victory. Seems like during Thanksgiving morning when S** and my ninjas owner D** O******** were blunt cruisin', O******** was pearling the "B" while C******* was making critical adjustments to his fantasy football team. Were these S**'s intentions from the start? To get O******** stoned beyond belief and take advantage of his "greenness" (double play on the color of marijuana and O******** being a first time FaNasty owner, no big deal)? Perhaps we'll find out this week. Tom "Your Defense Sucks" Brady snapped this week and helped the JDR bunch roll my ninjas, even without playing a third wide receiver (slap in the face?). O********'s club reacquainted themselves with the dependence on star quarterback Aaron Rodgers that has plagued them for most of the season. my ninjas were inconsistent on offense (shitty days from quarterback Alex Smith, wide receivers Torrey Smith and Mike Wallace, and running back Roy Helu), and we never really talk about their defense so there's no point in starting now. While C******* can only continue to play spoiler next week, O******** must win. Point. Blank. Period.
CAN'T WAIT-W (6-6, 5th) v. AK-47-L (6-6, 6th) (CW: 188pts. - AK: 158pts.)
Our prediction was AK-47 (+23), and we weren't too far off. We thought Adam's AK-47 club would be fine with the points because they have Arian "Fucking" Foster, but he was simply Arian Foster this weekend. Not to say he didn't play well, he did. We just thought he needed to be at that "Fucking" level to give AK-47 a chance, but he (and thus the team) fell short. The club had a decent week, it just wasn't a good enough one on a week where his opponent came to play. E***** S****** is surely all smiles as this victory launched his CANT WAIT club from seventh to fifth place and just one win away from clinching a playoff spot. While the defense didn't play spectacular, Jimmy "Jammin'" Graham shitting on the New York Giants last night capped off an explosive offensive week for the club. Both of these teams will need a win next week to be playoff locks, a perfect scenario for the last week of the season if you're a fan.
BASTARD MUTANTS-W (9-3, 2nd) v. PROFESSIONAL BLUES-L (7-5, 4th) (BM: 176pts. - PB: 152pts.)
Our prediction was PB Squad (+25), and we just made it. While PB Squad owner Fox would have really liked this win heading into a week 13 *automatic win*, he can walk away from this matchup with his head held high. Quarterback Matt Moore proved his worth to the team by playing big on Thanksgiving, and second quarterback Ryan Fitzmagic returned back to prominence, with his beard and all his glory. This matchup was much closer than the score suggests, as D** S*****'s Mutants were only up by six points heading into last night's game. Three words: Corpse. Booty. Gate. "Drew Bress and the Legend of CorpseBootygate" continues to unfold in front of our very own eyes, and last night's performance by the Bastard quarterback was by far his best game of the year. Quarterback Matt Ryan and wideout Brandon Marshall also played big games, but Brees stole the show. Great weekend and a good win for S*****, who should be a lock at second place and thus have a first round bye in the playoffs.
LEGION OF DOOM-W (9-3, 1st) v. T. GREEN?-L (7-5, 3rd) (LoD: 157pts. - TG?: 151pts.)
Our prediction was T. Green? (+8), and we once again just made it with the points. So that's .750 for the week, not too shabby for a fantasy football media outlet. To say B** J****'s Legion returned back to early-season form would be a stretch, but they did manage to squeak out a win against T** P******'s T. Green? club this week. T. Green? didn't play great, but they didn't suck either. Just an extremely mediocre weekend from a team that was getting into a nice groove at the perfect time. Still, they were leading the matchup heading into last night's game. Quarterback Eli Manning racked up a lot of points in quasi-garbage time, as his New York Giants were pretty much getting the shit kicked out of them the entire game. The key player and unsung hero of the week for J**** was backup quarterback Vince Young, who truly proved that the New England Patriots are fucking pathetic defenders. Both of T. Green? and LoD are playoff locks, with the latter having the top seed barring a week 13 upset.
WEEK 13 MATCHUPS
JDRvRR - Funny how we are anticipating S**'s next charade even though he's well out of the playoff hunt, a testament to his likability (or disgusting yet captivating behavior). S** will make a few more friends if he's able to beat C****** this week and knock the RamRods out of the playoffs. J***'s club is extremely fortunate to still even have a chance, but this will surely be their last one.
AKvLoD - Adam doesn't need to win to clinch the playoffs, but he needs to score points. A win would ensure a playoff berth, however. Expect LoD owner J**** to come out guns a blazin' to rack up a confidence win for his club before a first round postseason bye.
MNvCW - Most important matchup of the week. Both teams need to win to get a playoff spot, and even moreso for my ninjas. E***** still has a chance to clinch if he loses, but O******** does not. I am sure S****** would just prefer to win this matchup and not have to rely on anything else.
TG?vBM - Both teams will be looking for a victory to potentially seal a better playoff seed, with the Mutants eyeing the top spot and T. Green? looking to hold on to that third place spot. These teams could be playing each other again come playoffs.
PB *automatic win* - Great way to end the regular season for Fox's PB Squad, and he may even move up to third place with a T. Green? loss. That could be very important come playoff time, continue to monitor this one.
-FaNasty News
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