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July 19, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Kim Jong-un has placed himself in charge of North Korea's military and its 1.2 million members. Though he might be surprised when he finds out that he's been confusing the word "soldier" with "hot dog" all this time.

WikiLeaks may go completely broke within the next few months. If only reading your financial statements were as interesting as other companies.

The FDA has approved a new diet drug, though one side effect is anorexia. Making it the first diet drug to ever commit a humblebrag.

Former Rep. Anthony Weiner stated he has no plans to run for mayor of New York City. Which is surprising since he's usually up for anything.

Basketball sensation Jeremy Lin will be leaving the New York Knicks to play for the Houston Rockets. The city has already laid out the welcome mat by setting up the same large banner written in Mandarin they had for Yao Ming.

Critics who gave bad reviews to "The Dark Knight Rises" received death threats on the website Rotten Tomatoes. Which is just what the Joker wants.

Rotten Tomatoes responded by turning off user comments for the first time ever because of fans' reactions to the negative reviews. Spoiler alert: Some people are just full of hate.

Last week, the ACLU announced it's suing Michigan because 100 percent of 11th graders in an entire school district aren't proficient in social studies and science. No one can remember the last time someone sued a state for poor education, particularly Michigan students.

Mitt Romney will travel overseas at the end of this month to court American voters living abroad. He'll also get to visit all those businesses that used to be in America.

In Gaza, Christian protesters called attention to Islamists who kidnapped and tried to convert five Christians. Because if they wanted to do it right, it would've been 12 million people and they would've made them work for free too.

David Hasselhoff says he will be in the upcoming "Baywatch" movie as himself. He jokingly added that it's a role he's been preparing for all his life, except that cheeseburger incident. He's a totally different person.

Actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt criticized GQ for saying his brother died of an "alleged drug overdose." GQ said its taking the criticism seriously but only because Joseph Gordon-Levitt looks so good in a suit.