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December 19, 2014
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A gay exposé.

I have decided to go gay. I’ve long maintained that being gay is a choice, and today I’m choosing to be gay. This announcement may come as a shock to many of you who already thought I was gay. Allow me to disabuse you of such a notion: I have never been gay. I am gay. Gayer than all our founding fathers in their wigs and pantyhose.

This decision is a result of decades of poor or negligible interactions with women. While I am not attracted to men, I don’t feel like that makes it impossible for me to be gay. Who are you to judge my homosexuality based on the fact that I’m merely attracted to the opposite sex? Here I think it’s important to brooooooaden our definition of gay. In this case it’s “a guy who women just aren’t all that into.”

I used to attracted women, but that was the late 90s, and in the modern era I haven’t been desired by any but the most homosexual homosexuals. There must be a look, one that I’ve unwittingly cultivated, that makes women respond “…meh” and gay guys respond “Mmmeh.”

I could never understand what I was doing wrong. Should I shower more? Less? A few years ago I thought it was because I never wore any Affliction shirts. Then I thought it was my lack of suspenders. Recently I think I’ve kept women away by not slicking my hair back and shaving the sides like an idiot.

Sure, I’m mostly to blame for lacking companionship. I’m a flippin’ weirdo. I know. I’ve read your comment cards. But you’re to blame, too. All my friends who helped turn me gay by never once recommending a suitable girl or setting me up on a blind date. “Oh! I’ve got the perfect girl for you” none of you said emphatically. You never brought over any women for me to pick through. In fact, I’m pretty sure many of you hid desirable women from me, like sexy Easter eggs. You can’t convince me you never had an attractive girl cousin or hairstylist you thought I’d be great for.

One time I was in Taylor Health and Wellness Center when I was 24 and not old and awful, all I did was look over at what appeared to be a confused, attractive Brasilian girl. And the receptionist in front of me said,“You leave that girl alone she’s already been through enough already.”

While continually unwanted, I’ve retained a noble, quiet dignity. After several womanless years I could’ve driven around shooting up people in Santa Barbara. And don’t get me wrong, I thought about it. But I always feel bad after I do something like that. I couldn’t even beat up a hooker in Grand Theft Auto without feeling remorse.

Some of you might be women who think we’ve dated. Nope. You were just hanging out and sometimes making out with your gay friend Dan’l. Remember when I acted so giddy touching a breast? Gay. Gay gay gay.

So dudes, go ahead and send me a private message. Feel free to attach an image of your privates, and we’ll go gay from there. I’m about to go gay so hard it’ll make your bow tie spin.

And that’s all for now from this old queen.

Thank you and good gay.

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