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February 13, 2015
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Is it a coincidence that the day before Valentine’s Day is Friday the 13th? Absolutely not. Witches, bitches, and exes ARISE. Our time has come to ruin the happiness of those who have broken our hearts and left us emotionally numb!

4 Fun Sexy Hexes to Cast on Your Ex-Boyfriend this Valentine’s Day!

Written by: Kaitlyn Blansett and Morgan Burris

Is it a coincidence that the day before Valentine’s Day is Friday the 13th? Absolutely not. Witches, bitches, and exes ARISE. Our time has come to ruin the happiness of those who have broken our hearts and left us emotionally numb!


1. Nightmare on Elm Street

  • How to: Add six eyes of newts to a mixture of boiling water and 2 teaspoons of sugar with a dash of pepper.
  • Result:Your lazy piece of goat ex-boyfriend will only dream in Paula Abdul-esque music videos for the rest of his miserable life.

Straight up now tell me. Aren’t you sorry you cheated on me?

2. Eretius Dsyphilias

  • How to: Sing the name of the hex to the tune of either “Tonight” or “Maria” from West Side Story.
  • Result: His penis becomes a balloon animal. Whatever balloon animal you want.

Good luck fucking your new girlfriend with your wiener dog penis. I hope it pops.

3. Entertainment Tonight

  • How to: Watch every episode of Family Guy on DVD. Then burn all of them while chanting the theme song rhythmically.
  • Result: The only movie he can watch for the rest of his life is A Million Ways to Die in the West. WELCOME TO HELL.

May all your future date nights be ruined by poorly-constructed flatulence jokes.

4. Saturday Night Fever

  • How To: Stomp on the butt of a freshly smoked joint. Then, watch ANY John Travolta movie and think about the ex you wish to curse dancing at a disco in platform shoes (try not to cry).
  • Result: His sideburns grow uncontrollably. And he can’t pull it off.

You look like a porn star from the 70’s and only some girls are still into that.I hear that girl who tried to marry Charlie Manson is single again. Maybe she’s into your gross, new look. MUHAHAHA.


There you go, ladies. I hope you one day feel emotionally mature enough to forgive your exes for all their transgressions and gather the courage to move on with your lives, safe in the knowledge that someone is out there for everyone and you just haven’t found him yet.

But until then, FUCK those guys and hex them so that their penises fall off in front of their moms.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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