We got our hands on Carly Fiorina’s Diary entry from the night Ted Cruz dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Don’t ask us how we got it. Just trust that it was through legal means, and enjoy!

Dear Diary,

Ted Cruz dropped out of the race. I join his campaign and one week later, it’s over. I was brought on to be a jolt of life. Instead the campaign instantly died.

Because everything I touch turns to shit.

I can’t run for president, can’t run for VP, can’t be CEO of Hewlett Packard, can’t make lemon bars for a bake sale that will sell! Just because I like them extremely sour doesn’t mean other people will! Get it through your head, Carly Failure-ina and do something right for once in your goddamn life!

Why did Cruz even pick me? He should have done the research. Has Fiorina ever succeed at anything? How did her stepdaughter’s soccer team do when Fiorina insisted on coaching? Did they have three own-goals in one game? Yes, they did.

Diary, what is wrong with me?

HP shares dropped 55% while I was in charge. I went grocery shopping yesterday and an attendant had to help me at the self-checkout. How do you ring up produce?!

My run for presidency was a total bust. Yeah, yeah, I did well at the undercard debate with the other losers. But if you ask me, King of the Losers is pretty far from President of The United States.

Once I had a cactus and it turned brown and died after 3 hours.

I tried to program my own remote control and now the TV turns on the Home Shopping Network at 5am everyday. Volume at 63.

When I ran a marathon I knocked over the table of water cups. I also accidentally tripped a veteran.

I had a fish in college. Although, does it count as “having” if it died before you got home from the pet store? Also when I tried to return the fishbowl the next day, I dropped it in the parking lot. The glass shards cut my foot. The cut got infected.

Diary, am I cursed?

People may say that Ted Cruz’s failure was his own. A combination of being extremely unlikable and looking like a swamp-lizard. But Diary, you and I know the truth. That swamp-lizard fell victim to Carly Failure-ina.

More tomorrow.