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Stats & Data

March 03, 2009


* A customer at a Walmart store found 10 human teeth when he unzipped a compartment in the wallet he was about to purchase.

Which is proof positive, just walking into Walmart turns anyone into a toothless redneck.

* Rihanna and Chris Brown are reportedly back together following a smack-down of epic proportions.

Sources close to the couple say, "If it was good enough for Ike and Tina Tuner, it's good enough for them."

* Krispy Kreme is the latest victim in the economic downturn, with an expected bankruptcy in the near future.

Sources close to the big fat ass within say, "Mother fuckers better not close up shop."

* A University of Missouri student  has created Pub Corn. It's an alcohol-flavored popcorn, processed with non-alcoholic coatings that taste like beer, piña colada and Irish Cream.

Sources close to his classmates say, "Dude, we're in college now. We can have like beer-flavored beer and stuff."

* New Jersey police rescued a 76-year-old woman who was trapped in her recycling bin for several days. Police say her dog knocked her off balance, sending her ass-first, folded like a wrinkly taco into a recycling bin.

Sources close to Fido say, "I thought she was dead! That old bag is 532 in dog years. Besides, that bitch should have given me those Beggin' Strips. I know I smelled bacon!"

* An investigation revealed a group of Delta Air Lines workers and baggage handlers at Bradley International Airport stole laptops, flat screen TV's, cameras, iPods, GPS units among many other items from passengers' baggage.

Sources close to the newshound within say, "This is just like Hurricane Katrina all over again. These poor people knew they were about to be laid-off and just started looting. You can't blame them for protecting themselves and stocking up during these difficult financial times."

* Latreasa L. Goodman loves her Chicken McNuggets, but when her local MAC Donalds ran out of her crispy, breaded beaks and toes, the bitch done losted her mind.

In an exclusive, Lois Lane obtained the 911 transcripts.

Dispatch: 911 what is your emergency?
Latreasa: Mother fuckas is tryin' to run a game on me!
Dispatch: Ma'am?
Latreasa: You better send the POlice, I'm fixin' ta flip my weave. Mutha fucka, how you run outta Mc Nuggets?
Dispatch: Excuse me, what is your emergency?
Latreasa: Dude is trying to calm me down with a McRib. What you think every black girl likes the McRib? You think I want a side of watermelon with that too you sorry ass piece of shit?

After two more calls, Latreasa was charged with misuse of 911.

* A bus driver tried to make a joke and wound up upsetting his passengers. Shawn Brim, 38, donkey punched a police officer who was dressed as McGruff the crime dog. Children who witnessed the stunt were horrified.

Sources close to the ASPCA, who were beside themselves crying, sang, "In the arms of the angel. Far away from here..."

* In more newz of financial retail trouble, Blockbuster Inc. said it has brought in an outside law firm to advise the video store chain how to get out of its financial bind.

Sources close to my common sense say, "Five words Blockbuster, you should have offered porn."

P.S., now you can follow me on Twitter - LoisLane1972

& on Facebook - Lois Twater (don't ask).