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Published March 15, 2010

vain skinny woman

Funny not Slutty by the Numbers by Jacki Schklar and Blythe Jewell with a little help from Jessica Delfino.


The humiliating public debate over Gabourey Sidibe’s size has been rough to watch. Then this week a comedian had this status update — “just saw scary gym sighting in sauna that will scar me for life.”  Now, I’m assuming the “scary gym sighting” in question involved a sweaty, scantily clad person of size.  (If it was a situation involving unkempt pubes, however, that’s an entirely different post.)  Anyway, after that ANOTHER slender comedian said something about being “so glad she lost the extra 15 pounds so she is not fat anymore” which, (1) 15 pounds is NOT the boundary between fat and skinny – an extra 15 pounds just makes you a little more fluffed-up, if you ask me — and (2) Aren’t you supposed to be a comedian?  Am I supposed to laugh?  Oh, I AM?  I’m sorry! Here you go – AHHH HAHAHAHAA HA!  That’s HILARIOUS!   Ha ha, extra 15 pounds, ha ha hee hooooo!  I totally get it now.  My bad. 

So why are so many women engaging like this, and willingly exacerbating the problem?  Why can’t they just open a big can of SHUDDUP instead?  Maybe they need some incentives.  Let’s do a list, all Letterman-like…

TOP 10 REASONS SKINNY WOMEN SHOULD SHUT UP ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT  

10.  You sound like a moron

Men don’t care about the diameter of your whole, they only care about the diameter of your hole. And everybody knows that men like to watch women put things in their mouths.

9. You sound like a BORING moron

So your day is shot because you ate a Moon Pie instead of a Vitamuffin? RIVETING! Not.

8. We can hear you sounding like a boring moron

Fatties, despite popular opinion of the beautiful people, have working ears AND..hard to believe, but we can also READ!

7. You aren’t Oprah.  You’re just a boring moron

Oprah said she felt like a fat cow after recent weight gain. We did not like that either. But Oprah has empowered millions of women and built charitable institutions. You, however, are just a boring moron.

6. No one likes a bully. OR a boring moron

You are one of those people who are certain that “fat people just need to get off their lazy asses and go to the gym.” Then you happily mock and abuse them once they get there. The math equation for this is: Boring + Moron + Bully = Asshole

5. Okay, so you go to the gym, we get it. What do you want, a medal?

We would be really impressed with your health acumen and conditioning except everyone knows that skinny girls have more STD’s.

4. You’re confirming every shitty generalization men have ever made about women

Some boring moronic men said you are what you weigh and you said, “Hell, yeah! Pass me the scale and sign me up for the latest fad diet! Who needs to be interesting or have self esteem outside of their physical appearance, anyway?”

3. You’re part of the problem, not part of the solution

You woke up, looked in the mirror and said, “How can I both represent myself as a boring moron, AND contribute to the demoralization of all women kind?” And then you made it happen.

2. Anorexic Narcissists are SO last season

In the 90’s you could sit around in a coffee house and 7 of 8 of you would be anorexics. You would listen to the song C’est La Vie and discuss self induced barfing techniques. But it’s the new millennium now, honey. Now to be a boring self absorbed elitist you text message Facebook status updates about recycling dryer lint and becoming a Vegan. And you can shut up about that, too.

1. Men can think of other things to talk about, why can’t you?

Skinny men don’t ask, “Do I look fat?” in 101 ways all day just so that others will assure them they’re attractive. They talk about politics or film or technical innovation or news. Stuff that makes them interesting and dimensional. Try it sometime. You might just like the good taste of it, and it’s calorie free.

www.funnynotslutty.com

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