Full Credits

The world, miniscule pigment, freckles, sun, orange


Hey, what can I say? People innately … are assholes, assholes looking for an easy target. Lets face facts you by comparison have a huge, ridicufuct sized target that is… your existence. Pale skin… red hair… freckles… fucking… freckles everywhere, sound familiar? Do you look in mirrors and shake your head in shame? Do you find yourself avoiding the sun almost every waking moment? Have you woken up in a trash can or other inanimate objects with no recollection of how you got there? Kids can be cruel but I’m an adult here to tell you that kids and humans as a whole are cruel … and God? Well with all due respect God is a fucking asshole that hates you enough to make your life a really long sick joke with a fucked up punch line... with all due respect. Honestly you know deep down... there is only one thing you could provide the world with and that is a target for it to take it's frustrations out on while pissing in your mouth and expecting a thank you. Want Proof? I direct you to Leno v. O'Brien. Jay Leno isn't getting ratings so NBC asks Conan O'Brien to move The Tonight Show to 12 am. That's the fucking morning! Jay Leno hasn't been funny for almost 2 decades. To all of my brethren reading this... remember when you find "The Chin" Kathy Griffin or Carrot Top proceed with the plan, the sunscreen arrives at midnight... they are all to be treated with the same hostility. We all know why.


(Could possibly be the same person)


Let me sum it up for you… you’re a kid older people, family members and females will say, “oh look he/she is so cute” and pinch your cheek. Then when you walk away to put the hourly dose of sunscreen on in November what you don't hear is them following their pity party with, “That kid is seriously fuct… I need to wash my hands.” You’ll come back and say, “Mom I can’t find my BFF.”  And she’ll say, “Then go play in your room.” And you’ll say, “But Mom, the basement is cold, moldy, and you still haven’t changed my light bulb.” And she’ll say, “God damn it! I don’t have time for your bull shit, Mommy needs to wash her hands! You want a new light bulb buy one and screw it in. You’re 4 man the fuck up.” And you’ll say, “I’m sorry Mom, I love you.” And she’ll say. "Not as sorry as I am, leave it to me for being the 1% the morning after pill doesn’t work on.” And you’ll cry, “Daddy! Mom’s giving me the business again!” And he’ll say, “You’re a genetic mistake! What kind of kid uses 40’s terminology to say they’re getting picked on?” Grandpa chimes in with “The kind of kid that doesn’t have a soul.” They all high-5 and Grandma who’s drunk enough to be honest pulls up on her Rascal and says, “We didn’t forget your Christmas last year we didn’t buy you anything, so remember that when you’re opening your pity presents later right after we begrudgingly sing happy birthday to you.” Then your siblings run up kick you in your balls and say, “We opened your presents you got sunscreen, we poured it out on the sidewalk.” Uncle Ron speaks up and says, “SPF 15 ya little fuck-tard!” You cry out, “You know I can’t use anything under 35 in the fall Uncle Ronnie.” He says, “I do … and I don’t care!” They laugh, you’re forced to roll around naked on a sunscreen covered patch of cement in front of the entire neighborhood and then spend the rest of the night squinting under a full moon hoping one day all your freckles will connect and you’ll finally have what’s commonly referred to as a tan. Guess what? That day isn't gonna come, you're chasing a dream, all you’re ever gonna have is the smell of Coppertone ten months out of the year and body odor of copper for the remaining 2.


After being mocked so universally you can't help but get a little self conscious, so here are some facts to ease your worries. See that group of people laughing? They're laughing at you. See that baby crying? Its brain can't help process what it's being forced to take in... you. See that 32 car pile up? I can say with certainty you probably shouldn't have worn shorts with the sun shining so bright. See that albino getting jumped? Run, you’re next. Seriously get the fuck out of there that one kid just saw you.

We can’t all be Conan or Chuck or Louie. As a matter of fact the only reason there is a Chuck Norris is so he could talk (intimidate) Gingers out of trying to revolt against God. God calls catastrophes The Wrath of Chuck. The reason Chuck Norris is immortal… is so God will never have to meet him in battle. Chuck Norris was supposed to be our Kraken but the internet and world embraced and stole him from us out of fear. Shawn White? Where should I start? His parents last name is Jacobs… why isn’t he Shawn Jacobs do the fucking math. "White" What kind of racist shit is that? Why do you think he snowboards? Snow = Camouflage and riding down a mountain you’ve been squatting on since you became self aware is the fastest way to accept the deafening silence of your existence. 100% of avalanches are caused by snow’s hatred of being compared to the stricken.

It’s not gonna get better you will lead the life of a black sheep (ironic as it is), self hating, self defecating hermit with the respect level of that little fuck hiding behind a badge. Learn to accept the invitations of imaginary friends because real people will only befriend you to mock you, make fun of you, abuse you, and demean any sense of purpose you can fool yourself into thinking is real. You can't claim gingeritis or your freckles on your taxes even though they've cost you so much. Even if the science world could come up with an antidote it would only do so to see the expression on your face when they smashed it. That's right even scientists will be able to make fun of you. Get familiar with the taste of urinal cakes, cat shit, failure, rejection, force fed ghost peppers, dog shit, fists, squirrel shit, bar soap, and knuckles. It doesn't get better... ever.