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November 24, 2015

We all know doves and pigeons aren't the same - but what are the differences, exactly? The answer is surprisingly simple.

It can be very difficult for the layperson to discern between your common dove and your run-of-the-mill pigeon. That makes sense, since they are actually the same bird. There is in fact only one difference between the two: Pigeons are just doves who have fucked.

Doves are doves until fucking happens. Once orgasm has been achieved, however, a disgusting conversion takes place. The biogenetic material within the dove becomes corrupted, and the two doves nearly instantaneously transform into pigeons, the Randy Quaids of the animal kingdom.


Example of Science at Work.

Indeed, when examining a side by side comparison of the two, pigeons and doves share all the same qualities, except pigeons have clearly been corrupted by fucking.


More Science.

Why does this happen? Scientists often compare it to when bucks grow antlers in adolescence, though in this case the animal is not becoming more beautiful, but more pathetic and gross. Doves are pure and gorgeous, while pigeons are horny and hungry - the transformation is more akin to an alter boy becoming a werewolf.

Is it happening because fucking is wrong and perverse? This is likely the case. Sex is immoral and dirty, and the dove-pigeon transformation may merely be nature’s most literal manifestation of this universal truth.

Proving this theory is difficult, however. In 2014, scientists married two doves to see if that would solve the fucking problem, but the day after their wedding night, they were pigeons. Granted, the study was heavily flawed: the marriage was arranged, so love may never have been present in the first place.

Unfortunately, it seems we are no closer to knowing the “why” behind doves fucking into pigeons, or the “how,” for that matter. But at least we know this much: doves are prudes with wings, and pigeons are slutty dove-whores who will fuck for trash.

And now, a laid-back FAQ

Q: What about baby pigeons, though?
A: Those are just doves, dude.

Q: What if I’m like, “That’s definitely a pigeon, and I know for fact it hasn’t fucked at all.”
A: There’s a chance it’s just a DIRTY DOVE. Give it a bath, and reveal the dove inside.

Q: If a dove beat the shit out of a pigeon, can’t it then be a pigeon?
A: Nah, dude, it’s gotta fuck, too.

Q: Why are doves symbols of peace?
A: They’re virgins, dude. Would you make a dildo a symbol of peace? Cuz that’s all pigeons are - dildos with wings.

Q: Can a pigeon ever become a dove again?
A: Nah, dude. Just like with people, once you fuck, there’s no going back.

Q: What about two doves who made love? Do they become pigeons?
A: “Making love” is just when you fuck slow enough that you don’t sweat. They’re pigeons, now, sorry Tolstoy.

Q: What’s the peak dive velocity of a homing pigeon?
A: This isn’t that kind of FAQ and you know that, asshole.