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July 02, 2012

A completely accurate account of the worlds favorite breakfast


Chapter 1: the chicken or the egg

According to reliable accounts, it was the egg that came first. In fact, it's hard to make an omelet out of a chicken. It wasn't until 1743 that tomatoes were added sparking controversy in the royal court.

However, Queen Isabella of Portugal, during a royalty semi-formal, turned the Spanish queen on to the new style of omelet by betting her she could hold a keg stand longer than anyone at the party. When the dust settled, the two were seen in the corner, passed out, with bits of egg all over their pantaloons.

After a brief scandal in which each throne flirted with the idea of invasion over the name of said omelet, the newly christened Spanish omelet was spread to the people and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

In the early days, it was the royal court and aristocracy that controlled the omelet, but soon dissent spread through the people and several underground movements were established.

Chapter 2: the underground egg

Although historical records vary on the exact date, they do agree on the place: Barcelona. This city became the epicenter of the Underground Omelet Movement and it was here that garlic was first introduced to the recipe. Many claim to have been the mastermind behind what became known the ‘The Garlic Faction,’ but reliable accounts have been lost with time. What is known, however, is that garlic began being consumed in such quantities that a royal tariff was imposed on its sale. 

The tariff raised such tumult that Joanna of Castile was called in to “handle the populace.” Possession of garlic without a permit became punishable by death, and chants of “pica el ajo muy fino!” were heard at all hours of the day and night. Unfortunately, Joanna’s iron-fist style of martial law only exacerbated the already inflamed anger of The Garlic Faction and riots spread throughout Barcelona. As an interesting aside, it was during these riots that much of Barcelona was destroyed, requiring rebuilding leading to the ornate architecture seen today. 

Eventually, a compromise was reached when the queen realized just how delicious garlic made the omelet, and lead-based wig powder was distributed to the masses in an act of contrition. 

Chapter 3: the spread of the egg

Even though Marco Polo is credited with carrying the Spanish omelet to the Asia-pacific, it was actually his retarded half cousin Mervin who “dropped his eggs in Marco’s sack,” according to the memoirs of Marco’s mother. Marco, of course, took credit and when Mervin came forward, all historical record of him ceases. We can only assume he was somehow silenced, as it is currently common knowledge that Polo had ties to the Venetian crime families. 

Marco’s dissemination of the omelet recipe shocked the nation of Spain. Public opinion was that allowing the secrets of the egg to move past national borders was tantamount to treason. However, due to his ties to the Venetians, Polo was placed under protective custody until the Summit of the Omelet in 1803. At this watershed meeting, a trade agreement between Spain, Portugal, Italy, and the eastern kingdoms of south Asia was reached. Remarkably, after the garlic fiasco of the preceding decades, arguments arose over the transport and use of basil and cilantro. Cilantro especially became highly sought after when King Philip IV reportedly stated he used it as “anal floss.” What was meant by this statement is still hotly debated by modern-day scholars, though it is this writer’s opinion it couldn’t have been anything good.


Chapter 4: enter the French

Quite oblivious to the goings on in the omelet world, royalty in France and England had recently concluded their 100 year war and returned to their respective lands to find the people protesting the woeful lag in their respective breakfast technologies. France of course responded with the crepe, while England began the Secret Government Eggo Project. Unfortunately for the British, it was many years and thousands of pounds before this project was even started, and they failed to play any role in this pivotal time of the Spanish omelet.

The French crepe, however, gained in popularity but due to a clever marketing campaign by Spain’s dignitaries painting all French people as “smelly, hairy, frog suckers” the crepe never made it outside national borders with any enthusiasm until the early 1920s. 

With the unsurprising defeat of the French, the Spanish omelet quickly became the breakfast of choice in the European regions and the influence of the omelet eventually spread worldwide.

Chapter 5: modern omelets

Today, the Spanish omelet is most often eaten during the awkward morning after a one-night stand.