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December 14, 2009


So...I'm trying to write an appropriate "thank-you "card for my shrink of twelve years because she is retiring and tomorrow is our last session...the thing is that I'm am so far from being finished bitching about stuff...how do I say good bye? She has been an amazing source of help and comfort and she's the reason that I stay relatively "healthy" because she's the only person in the world (besides my daughter), that I can't take the thought of disappointing. I really don't care what any one else thinks of me...so it's going to be hard to let her go.
 I had a meltdown when I was shopping yesterday because I am just so stressed out and I was weepy and agitated and I was rationalizing that it was this time last year, during a winter storm that I had the person that I'd crushed on for years take my hands in his and tell me something I really wanted to hear...but then had to walk away and I've been punishing myself and he's been punishing me ever since(me judging myself and stalking like a 15 year old and him keeping secrets and marrying random people in horrible backyard embarrassments)...it's not like I don't know that it was the right decision, life does go on and there's so much to enjoy.
I rationalized that I was shopping for clothes for this trip I'm going on, and I hate flying, and I'm going to be planted a thousand miles away from home with no internet and all "Nigel people" for 3 weeks...why couldn't he be French so that I could at least drown myself in the local wine? Although, there is a French market where we are going.
 I was rationalizing that I haven't written a single Christmas card, or bought anything for anyone except for myself and my daughter.  I hate Christmas. Every year I'm a last minute person, and my minutes are dwindeling because I'll be on a plane the day I would normally shop. So...I have all these reasons/excuse/justifications for just mentally/emotionally farting my way through the weekend. But, realizing today that tomorrow is the last day with my doctor...I feel like I should be more of a grown up after 12 years. I should be wrapping up gifts I bought for people on Boxing day last year and should have lists of people I always mail cards to.  I should be finished my book and getting paid for it by now.  I should be on the parent's committee at my daughter's school and be volunteering more often.  I should see my mother's name on my call display and not cringe and spend at least two rings arguing with myself about answering it.  I should see the people in my life for who they are, accept them as they are and let them go when I know it's over.   I should be able to actually be disinterested and not just hate pretending to be or trying to be disinterested.  I should be working out my aggression at the gym instead of settling in with a piece of cheesecake and a can of Coke to write something mean about the things that are bothering me.  
So...what the fuck?  Twelve years and maybe I should worry less and let HER think  about how she's the quitter.  LOL  What do I have to show for myself?  What does SHE have to show?  She's the doctor!!!