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January 20, 2016
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There were obvious signs even before the nominees were announced, if you were paying attention.

Since releasing a list of nominees featuring a conspicuous lack of diversity, the upcoming 88th Academy Awards have been widely criticized for being way too white, but there were obvious warning signs even before the nominees were announced. Here are some of the ones you may have missed:

  • The Academy began referring to Citizen Kane as “the Larry Bird of movies.”
  • They decided to change the color of the carpet from red to merlot.
  • It was announced that winners whose acceptance speeches run long will be played off by a live performance from Mumford & Sons.
  • Best Lacrosse Player was added as a category.
  • This year, the statuettes are being barrel aged.
  • Chris Rock’s invitation to host came only after every single “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me” panelist declined.
  • The official press release described host Chris Rock as “the black guy from Dogma.”
  • The ceremony was rescheduled to avoid conflicting with Downton Abbey.
  • The Academy got permits from the city to build an urban chicken coop in the podium.
  • The tagline on every Oscars poster was “Now Featuring a Farmer’s Market.”
  • The “In Memoriam” segment was expanded to honor limited release craft beers.
  • Instead of a traditional opening musical number, they planned a 5K fun run.
  • The naming rights to the former Kodak Theater were sold to CrossFit.
  • According to a new rule, any tie can only be broken through a discussion by the Intro to Cinema Studies class at Bowdoin.
  • The official nomination instructions encouraged rewarding “work ethic and hustle over freak physical talent and flash.”
  • The Scientific and Technical Achievements Awards Presentation was reformatted to be an acapella showcase.
  • Hollywood continued a general pattern of perpetuating, if not promoting, systemic American racism while naively wallowing in primarily self-congratulatory gestures of tokenism.
  • They changed Oscar’s name to Grayson.
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