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Published June 30, 2009

Preface: This piece originally appeared with “A Holiday for Mae May?” (see issue No. 29) in the Aug. 28, 2004, edition of The Examiner (http://examiner.net), a Jackson County, Mo., newspaper. It’s the last of three poems to be republished through underwriting from the CLAU(DE), Formerly Known as the Carl Klester Sensitive Society for Preserving Chick Names, Especially Hot Girlie Show-Sounding Names Like Ginger, Holly and Claude.

As was reported in issue Nos. 28 and 29, there were factions within the organization that were arguing over the group’s name. In a compromise achieved shortly after issue No. 29 appeared, the group agreed to include the acronym CLAU(DE) at the beginning of its name to appease the faction that was pushing to call the group the American Civil Liberties Union. As was reported in issue Nos. 28 and 29, the faction also was pushing to call itself the ACLU or UCLA for short. Realizing both acronyms might cause the organization legal problems, but still wanting some combination of “A,” “C,” “L” and “U” in the acronym, the faction agreed to make the name Claude into an acronym, but with “D” and “E” in parentheses.

 

To appease the faction pushing to keep the name as the Carl Klester Sensitive Society for Preserving Chick Names, Especially Hot Girlie Show-Sounding Names Like Ginger, Holly and Claude, it was agreed that the original name would follow the acronym. Thus, the group still has a long name, but now with an acronym in which the letters stand for nothing.

 

And with that, it’s time for the aforementioned poem.

 

Mary Mann’s Marriage

By Ivan O’Uris

 

Mary Mann met a man

While sailing to Manhattan.

And Mary Mann wanted to marry the man,

But the man Marry Mann wanted to marry was a married man.

The melancholy Mary Mann sighed, “Oh, man!”

And traveled from Manhattan to Manitoba to Manchester to Michoacan

To forget about the married man.

 

While on the Isle of Man,

Mary Mann met an unmarried merry manly man.

And the merry manly man wanted to marry Mary Mann,

So he got the blessing to marry Mary from Mary’s old man

And Mary Mann married the merry manly man

On the Isle of Man

With a reception where the disc jockey played Manfred Mann,

“Macho Man,” “I’m a Man,” “Sharp Dressed Man,”

“Hoochie Coochie Man,” “Soul Man”

“You Ain’t Woman Enough (to Take My Man)”

And “A Well Respected Man.”

They honeymooned in Manchuria,

Where the merry manly man from the Isle of Man

Made Mary Mann say, “Oh, man!”

And made her forget about the married man

She had met while sailing to Manhattan.

 

Background Notes: As with “A Holiday for Mae May?” (see issue No. 29), “Marry Mann’s Marriage” was inspired by Ivan’s experience of growing up on the island of Luscia. During the 1970s, he and his fellows Luscians lived under the brief regime of Mao Martinez Mastronichelliovik, a fatalistic Anglican Hindu Disney fanatic who believed the world would be destroyed by saltwater taffy and a creature with Walt Disney’s head and Clarabelle Cow’s body would descend form the heavens to create an ideal world that would resemble the original Disneyland and serve doughnuts with endless cups of coffee.

 

As was mentioned in issue No. 29, Mastronichelliovik realized that his and Mickey Mouse’s names each started with “m,” which convinced him that he was Disney’s messenger and that he should prepare Luscians for the inevitable by rebuilding Luscia to resemble Disneyland. To further prepare them, he made the theme song to the TV show “The Mickey Mouse Club” the national anthem and decreed that everyone should wear round mouse ears and use a falsetto voice. Because of his perceived connection to Disney via Mickey Mouse, Mastronichelliovik also declared “m” to be the country’s national letter and forced Luscians to use only words starting with “m.” Those who didn’t follow Mastronichelliovik’s decrees were forced to sing “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” in pig Latin while listening to “It’s a Small World.”  

 

Note to the Background Notes: The passage following the “Background Notes” and this “Note to the Background Notes” was to have originally appeared in issue No. 29, but didn’t because of underwriting issues involving the CLAU(DE), Formerly Known as the Carl Klester Sensitive Society for Preserving Chick Names, Especially Hot Girlie Show-Sounding Names Like Ginger, Holly and Claude, which was known then simply as the Carl Klester Sensitive Society for Preserving Chick Names, Especially Hot Girlie Show-Sounding Names Like Ginger, Holly and Claude.

 

Background Notes Following the Background Notes and Note to the Background Notes, But Not Preceding Any Background Notes Following the Background Notes That Follow the Note to the Background Notes and, in turn, Follow the Background Notes Following the Background Notes and Note to the Background Notes: His (Mastronichelliovik’s) reign ended when a gang of guerrillas who also were Bugs Bunny fans ambushed Mastronichelliovik in Luscia’s version of Tomorrowland.

 

Tried by a kangaroo court, Mastronichelliovik was found guilty of using unnecessary alliteration and using excessive cheerfulness to incite nausea, irritation and sing-a-longs. He was exiled to France, where he was eventually pelted to death with frozen éclairs during an argument while waiting in line at Disneyland Paris.

 

©2004-2009 Mutt Media LLC. All rights reserved.

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